In the great scheme of things called life, there are things that you wished didn't exist, didn't breathe and didn't move around like blobs of flesh. But unfortunately they do. You think they don't fit, but they fit. They force their way in, like the Aunty in metro who'd ask everyone to budge, so she can get a seat. You can cry, you can shout, you can run, you can hide but they will not. Par hai kaun yeh namune?
1. Free ki Advice Wale :
"Yeh appko shorts nahi pehni chaiye, yeh humara culture nahi hai"
"Aap MBA mat karo, India mai bahut MBA hai. Humare ghar mai bhi ek MBA hai"
"Rohan, tu na mere saath reh ek hafta, I will transform you"
"Aap na Noida mai invest karo, 10 times price badhenge"
The worst of the lot. My way of life is perfect, and you should know it. Even if you haven't asked for it. I am big, you're small. I am right, you're wrong. Please don't oblige me. I don't want to know what you think. I don't want to know how you lead your life and how you'd love it, if I did too. I know you have this inner desire to reform the world, but maybe, just maybe, your style might not suit everyone. My friend Ganesh tells me that even Nirmal Baba takes a fee when he gives invaluable advice on how to change your life and remove all obstacles; it would be extremely unfair if you were to give free advice. Please don't. This is also free ki advice. Don't like it? Stop Reading. But don't force it. Yeh achi baat nahi hai....
2. Mai Bhagwaan Hoon :
"You kids take things way too seriously. Don't mix morals with economics"
"Are you telling me that we live in a Marxist Classless Utopia sans any Hierarchy? Is your view so myopic and distorted? Ever see from the broad prisms of reality?"
"Are you telling me that my experiences are useless? This is not a debate"
"It's all your fault!"
I change my mind. These are the worst. They think they know it all. And they know it better than you. So they'll either use the big words (Marxistgwshdfirktljgyhjtghygykjhbmnxbgvzs) or the strong words (Thou shalt obey your elders) or they'll just get angry and use the condescending tone. Aap mahan hoon. I humbly submit to your broad prism of world view and the infinite scope of your knowledge base and the ever so friendly attitude that you have. I wish I was you. I am sure you secretly think, that everyone secretly thinks of being like you. Just one thing. "You kids should GROW UP."
3. Girls Love Me :
"Meri life na ek ladki ne barbaad kardi"
"Main 3 girls ko saath mai date kar raha hoon"
"Mujhe na har hafte 3 proposals aate hai ladkiyon se"
"Black tints sahi lag rahe hai na car pe"
The Greek God. Oh so beautiful. They never leave any opportunity to look into the mirror, gaze for a minute and then say to themselves --"Yaar, I am a stud." They think they have looks that kill. They have the right accessories -- Axe Deodrant, Wildstone Soap, Tommy Underpants, Ray Ban Glasses, White Car, Chain, Red Shoes et al. They have the perefct facebook pictures, capturing their manliness that girls go so crazy about! They are the John Abhram of your life. And I bet you, in the shower they've already rehearsed their Grasim Mr. India Speech. Wow, I know a celebrity!
4. Ghisssu :
"Yaar exams aa rahe hai, I have to study for 13 hours"
"Yaar tune yeh kiya hai, nahi, maine bhi nahi kiya"
"Question Paper was very simple"
"Dr. ABC, BCom, MCom, LLB, MBA, MPhil, PHD, CA"
Aapko toh sabh pata hai. Why don't you figure this one out as well? Use your math models, psychoanalysis, pattern graph etc. to estimate what exactly I am thinking. So simple na? First in class, First on the bench, First to get placed, First to have the teacher's number; you must be very upset that you're last on this list? No? Oh yes, Game Theory already told you that I was going to do this. Damn John Nash. Where is your Nobel?
Bahut burai kar li. Aapki identity kya hai? Don't tell me you're a mix of two categories. Loser. Doesn't even have a personality. What a waste of life. Go fit some stereotype. Maybe then the world will see some worth in you. Fit Hai Boss. Where do I belong? Right there in your heart, guiding you unconditionally like an elder brother with the smartest skill set in the world. Nirmal Baba doesn't need a Baba.
PS : Today is a good day. Cheers.
To Sonal Kalra. Who I am trying to impress.
Song : None Of Us Are Free by Solomon Bruke and Traffic by Stereophonics
Addendum :
5. I am your friend :
"I am going to miss you Rohan, you were like a friend philosopher and guide to me. Before we part, lets click a picture together?"
No. No. And No.
1. Free ki Advice Wale :
"Yeh appko shorts nahi pehni chaiye, yeh humara culture nahi hai"
"Aap MBA mat karo, India mai bahut MBA hai. Humare ghar mai bhi ek MBA hai"
"Rohan, tu na mere saath reh ek hafta, I will transform you"
"Aap na Noida mai invest karo, 10 times price badhenge"
The worst of the lot. My way of life is perfect, and you should know it. Even if you haven't asked for it. I am big, you're small. I am right, you're wrong. Please don't oblige me. I don't want to know what you think. I don't want to know how you lead your life and how you'd love it, if I did too. I know you have this inner desire to reform the world, but maybe, just maybe, your style might not suit everyone. My friend Ganesh tells me that even Nirmal Baba takes a fee when he gives invaluable advice on how to change your life and remove all obstacles; it would be extremely unfair if you were to give free advice. Please don't. This is also free ki advice. Don't like it? Stop Reading. But don't force it. Yeh achi baat nahi hai....
2. Mai Bhagwaan Hoon :
"You kids take things way too seriously. Don't mix morals with economics"
"Are you telling me that we live in a Marxist Classless Utopia sans any Hierarchy? Is your view so myopic and distorted? Ever see from the broad prisms of reality?"
"Are you telling me that my experiences are useless? This is not a debate"
"It's all your fault!"
I change my mind. These are the worst. They think they know it all. And they know it better than you. So they'll either use the big words (Marxistgwshdfirktljgyhjtghygykjhbmnxbgvzs) or the strong words (Thou shalt obey your elders) or they'll just get angry and use the condescending tone. Aap mahan hoon. I humbly submit to your broad prism of world view and the infinite scope of your knowledge base and the ever so friendly attitude that you have. I wish I was you. I am sure you secretly think, that everyone secretly thinks of being like you. Just one thing. "You kids should GROW UP."
3. Girls Love Me :
"Meri life na ek ladki ne barbaad kardi"
"Main 3 girls ko saath mai date kar raha hoon"
"Mujhe na har hafte 3 proposals aate hai ladkiyon se"
"Black tints sahi lag rahe hai na car pe"
The Greek God. Oh so beautiful. They never leave any opportunity to look into the mirror, gaze for a minute and then say to themselves --"Yaar, I am a stud." They think they have looks that kill. They have the right accessories -- Axe Deodrant, Wildstone Soap, Tommy Underpants, Ray Ban Glasses, White Car, Chain, Red Shoes et al. They have the perefct facebook pictures, capturing their manliness that girls go so crazy about! They are the John Abhram of your life. And I bet you, in the shower they've already rehearsed their Grasim Mr. India Speech. Wow, I know a celebrity!
4. Ghisssu :
"Yaar exams aa rahe hai, I have to study for 13 hours"
"Yaar tune yeh kiya hai, nahi, maine bhi nahi kiya"
"Question Paper was very simple"
"Dr. ABC, BCom, MCom, LLB, MBA, MPhil, PHD, CA"
Aapko toh sabh pata hai. Why don't you figure this one out as well? Use your math models, psychoanalysis, pattern graph etc. to estimate what exactly I am thinking. So simple na? First in class, First on the bench, First to get placed, First to have the teacher's number; you must be very upset that you're last on this list? No? Oh yes, Game Theory already told you that I was going to do this. Damn John Nash. Where is your Nobel?
Bahut burai kar li. Aapki identity kya hai? Don't tell me you're a mix of two categories. Loser. Doesn't even have a personality. What a waste of life. Go fit some stereotype. Maybe then the world will see some worth in you. Fit Hai Boss. Where do I belong? Right there in your heart, guiding you unconditionally like an elder brother with the smartest skill set in the world. Nirmal Baba doesn't need a Baba.
PS : Today is a good day. Cheers.
To Sonal Kalra. Who I am trying to impress.
Song : None Of Us Are Free by Solomon Bruke and Traffic by Stereophonics
Addendum :
5. I am your friend :
"I am going to miss you Rohan, you were like a friend philosopher and guide to me. Before we part, lets click a picture together?"
No. No. And No.