Bhagwan Krishna has been a constant in my life. When I was a child, Mumma used to take us to various temples on Janamasthami evening. We used to be fascinated by the decorations - the flowers, the balloons, the different Gods and Goddesses and the depiction of Bhagwan's Leela. Of course, most fascinating was always the prasad - toffees, chocolates and malai cheeni! Bhagwan Krishna remained as I grew up.**
Like many of us, the first text that I studied was the Shrimad Bhagwad Gita. At that time, I was in school and I was in my early teens. Bhagwan Krishna was a mystical guiding light. I believed, even though I didn't know for sure, that the words of Bhagwan had an answer to all our problems. I remember gifting the miniature Gita to a most dear friend of mine, when she left India to study abroad. I believed that if she took the words of Bhagwan with her, she would fine.
When I reached college, Bhagwan became more of a friend. I suppose that is because life in college was casual and fun. And so Bhagwan became a friend - the invisible designated driver. I would speak to Him. Get angry with Him. Celebrate His birthday with much fan fare. I continued spreading His words by gifting copies of the Bhagwad Gita. He resided in me as the voice of reason.
It was only later that I visited Him in Dwarka, Gujarat (thanks to another dear friend of mine). Bhagwan realised that I had had enough to enjoy and that it was time to get serious. After I had His darshan, He decided to reveal Himself in the form of my Guru, who I met immediately after visiting Him in Dwarka. He was now closer to me than ever before.
I continued to read/study the Gita throughout this time. Each time I studied it, I would come across something new. Of all the times that I studied it, I still remember the time I was listening to the discourse on the last ten verses of Chapter 9. He explained that devotion was all that was needed, that I could offer anything and everything to Him, that He only wanted me to be free of bondage, that if I remained fixed on Him then my vices would disappear and all I needed to do was to surrender to Him.
But surrendering doesn't come easy. Especially to an anxious and worrisome person like me. Surrendering requires faith - that He knows best and that all I can do is to try. And so, I tried to practice surrendering, quite contrary to my nature. It was then that I realised that an intellectual faith is incomplete and dry. It lacks the ability to melt the heart. For that, we need love.
Knowing that I needed love, He came as the Beloved. He knew that I needed to practice bhakti now, that my heart needed to melt and so He created an environment that allowed me to be overwhelmed by His compassion and love. Thereafter, surrendering became a little easier.
There is much more that I need to learn and practice. I am confident that He will show the way. I have faith that He will shower His grace.
Happiest Birthday Bhagwan. Thank you for always being there in all these forms. I can proudly say:
त्वमेव माता च पिता त्वमेव ।
त्वमेव बन्धुश्च सखा त्वमेव ।
त्वमेव विद्या द्रविणम् त्वमेव ।
त्वमेव सर्वम् मम देव देव ॥
ॐ
**The italics portion in the first paragraph was added later.
