Recently, I turned 30. It's a milestone birthday. Anyone who knows me, knows that the number 13 is special to me. Thus, it is only appropriate that when I turned 30 (the phonetic cousin of 13), that I write something that merges both. And so, in this post I will list down 13 meditations for the 30 year old (though to be honest, it works for all ages). I must be candid. I am not an authority to give meditations or any advice for that matter. But you know I am preachy.
I have tried to practice some of these (especially recently) and I have found them to be quite 'free-ing'. My friends would testify that my preaching here is not truly practiced by me. But I am trying.
All of us are complex beings with multiple facets to our personality. We have bondages and quirks that we aren't even aware of. At 30, I felt that there was a need to 'unlearn'. To let go of the past impressions and ideas and in a sense to start anew.
I hope that you will find them useful as well. These may sound repetitive, but I had to complete the count of 13! :P
- Forgive (yourself): To err is human. The reality of life is that mistakes happen. We are not all-knowing and often we make judgment errors. Sometimes these errors cause material discomfort (such as loss of money, property etc.) and at other times they cause emotional discomfort (such as a heartbreak, regret etc.). It's okay. Hota hai. More often than not, we think we are doing the right thing and in hindsight think otherwise. Koi baat nahi. Forgive yourself. Accept and own up that you made a mistake and that you were in the wrong. If it can be remedied, pursue that. If someone has been wronged, apologise to them. Koi tumhari ego/self respect kum nahi hogi. In any event, close your eyes, see your actions objectively and forgive yourself. Sometimes I say this to myself - "Koi baat nahi Rohan, abh ho gayi galti, abh bas jo kar skate ho woh karo!" Don't live in the shame of your errors. Live in the prospect of your wondrous capability.
- Forgive (others): If you can err, so can others. Readily forgive. In the Netflix series Love, Mickey tells Gus that resentment is like holding hot coal - in the end, only the person resenting will burn. They may or may not have asked for your forgiveness, but that is immaterial. Holding a grudge will not solve anything. Instead, it will only remind you of the pain. Let it go. How? Close your eyes. Think of the person that you believe wronged you. Now try and think of their side of the story. Perhaps, they were going through a bad time/day. Perhaps, they were acting out of some childish obsession. Now, ask yourself, if you've seen this kind of behaviour in yourself. It is quite likely that you have - perhaps in a different degree. Forgive them - at some point, you have probably committed the same mistake. If you see yourself in them, forgiveness will come naturally.
- Identify (yourself): I think this is by far the most important. Identify yourself - with all your curves and edges, without any moral or pre-conceived lens. You have to see yourself for who you are. [I am not referring to the Infinite Self, but the mash-up of mind and intellect]. It is truly liberating when you are honest with yourself (be honest with others also). Sit in a quiet place and close your eyes. Let the thoughts come. Examine each of them. Enquire from yourself why a particular thought is coming. Trust me, you will find the answers. The naked self frees you, as you have now understood yourself and your feelings. In the movie Call me by your name, Elio's father says - "We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster, that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new." Don't bury yourself or your emotions. Examine them. Feel them. You will be more free if you do that vis-a-vis simply burying them. In knowledge lies quietude. It may take multiple sessions of 45-60 minutes to do this. I have tried it and I have benefitted. Knowing yourself frees you.
- Judge (not): Once you have identified yourself, accept others for who they are. Don't judge others for their actions. Don't hold them in contempt. We hardly understand ourselves and our actions. In that background, it is futile to even attempt to understand someone else. We don't know what they are going through (or went through). Who are we to pass judgment on others? Free your mind from the clutter of these judgments. Imagine yourself as the all encompassing space. It accommodates everyone. You can too.
- (Be) Compassionate: The world has much misery and needs much compassion. Donate. Help others. Take out time to serve the world. Selfless action is meditation. There is no dearth of opportunity. Remember - Aur bhi dukh hai zamaane mai mohabbat ke siwa, aur bhi raahatein hai vasl ki raahat ke siwa.
- Reflect (a lot): Building on # 3, spend a little time with yourself everyday. Without the phone. Without the company of others. Listen to your mind and thoughts - they will bring forth matters that are bothering them. Once you know what is bothering you, you can attempt to untangle it. The mind and intellect work very hard and are your most precious tools. Give them attention. In my experience, great clarity comes when time is spent with one's own thoughts.
- (Go) Crazy: Live. Be crazy. Sometimes a little craziness also frees you. Like dyeing your hair. Or shaving your hair (anywhere!). Or dancing on the street (or alone in your room). Or bathing in the rain. Or having 'brownies'! It is important to occasionally do uncharacteristic things, as they help you identify your character. Don't be like me, saying NO all the time! Sometimes, say yes.
- Love (yourself): Take care of yourself. Don't wait around for someone else to take care of you. If you want balloons on your birthday, buy them - don't wait for your best friend to throw a surprise birthday party. If you want a bachelors party, organise it. If you want to go on a trek, go. Pamper yourself. You can't live your life contingent on others. Take out time for yourself for doing things you like to do. It will keep you sane (and thus free). In the same spirit, your sense of self-worth/respect must come from yourself. It cannot be contingent on fulfilling the (un)realistic expectations of someone else. It feels good when we impress others. But, to my mind, true satisfaction comes when we have impressed ourselves.
- Love (others): A dear friend of mine remarked that the human heart has infinite capacity to love. It took sometime to wrap my head around this, but now I agree. We are loving beings. Our love is not meant to be rationed. It is meant to flow from us to the world. Imagine our love to be the baad-e-nau-bahaar, the roses to be other persons and the rose fields to be the world. Just like the gulshan ka karobar continues because of the baad-e-nau-bahaar, in the same way, the world sustains through love (To understand this reference, see Faiz Ahmad Faiz's ghazal - Gulon Mein Rang Bhare). Each time we act, we have a choice i.e.: to act out of a place of love. Make that choice. Act out of love, kindness and respect. Don't be mean. Don't be hurtful. Don't say harsh words. They are as human (and thus flawed) as you are.
- Let it be: Somethings can't be changed. We control very little in the world. In fact, one could argue that we control nothing. So focus less on the results/outcomes. Focus on your actions (and reactions). That we can control. The universe's response - you let that be. Rejecting the universe's reaction isn't going to change it - that's denial. In the same spirit, lower your expectations. Everyone is already burdened by their own expectations. They do not need the burden of your expectations as well. Imagine if you were under the pressure of fulfilling everyone's expectations and impress them - How would that feel? You won't like that and so nobody else does either.
- Compare (lesser): Don't compare yourself to others. All of us are unique. All our circumstances are different. Our upbringings are different. Our backgrounds are different. No comparison will ever be accurate. However, compare (and not compete) yourself to your previous versions. See your changes. Reflect on the journey of your life. You have seen so much, endured so much. Spend some quiet time reflecting on the journey of your life and it will give you much clarity on the journey ahead.
- Speak (carefully): Gossip less! Measure your words carefully - they can hurt. I have learnt it the hard way that even jokes can hurt. So don't say hurtful things, no matter how much you are hurting. You never know when your words will come true, so speak carefully.
- Relax: Theek hai yaar. Ho jaayega sabh. Ek do saal late ho jaayega, expectation se thoda kum hoga. Thodi haar hogi. Thodi jeet hogi. Koi baat nahi. Duniya nahi khatam ho jaayegi. Roz roz ka stress lene se acha thoda kum mile, woh theek hai. Fir at least jo mila hai usko toh enjoy kar paaoge. Take a chill brownie or ice cream or payasam. Relax. Relax your goals/timelines, if it's becoming stressful/too much. Relax your do's and don't/rules, if they feel like a heavy burden - including those above (don't do anything illegal though). And smile more! I have found that when you physically smile, the heart smiles too. A smile goes a long way in dissipating our troubles.
I am trying to be a better 30 year old. Hopefully, I will be. I wouldn't have been here and this post won't have been possible without the love and support of my family (especially Mum), teachers and friends.
Thanks to them!! Cheers to them! This is dedicated to them :)
2014, Durham
PS: Some of the ideas may seem similar to School of Life videos. I watch them often and find them to be very helpful.