Song : Moment in the Sun - Sunflower Bean
I usually don't blog about the TV that I watch, but I recently saw the Netflix Series - Heartstopper. Immediately after watching the series, I read the graphic novels by Alice Oseman. It was quite comforting to watch and read.
I am not going to disclose what the series is about - so no spoilers here. But if you've ever dealt with being alone, bullying, mental health, problems with love, self-harm, identifying your sexuality or personality or just finding yourself, then the series is for you. I have dealt with some of this in my life. I am still dealing with it, as some of these things do not go away easily (as Ms. Oseman rightly says in the book).
The series came at an opportune time in my life. It wasn't as if the series cured anything. I doubt that any book or series can ever do that. These can only comfort or guide. The hard work has to be done by us. I think I had been doing some hard work and when the series came along, it all seemed to culminate. I was quite happy after I saw the series. Almost relieved, I think.
During school and sometime afterwards, I was conscious of my voice. I had (or have?) some effeminate characteristics. People made fun, but it never bothered me. In fact, if anything, it only propelled me to excel. But I guess, it was always there at the back of mind. I mostly had (or have?) female friends. I am not the usual macho. But, I still remember what a dear friend of mine told me in college - Rohan, you're more man than most men! I really appreciated what she said, though I didn't fully understand what she meant. I think I do now, though there is no way to check. It's also quite incredible that I decided to take up a profession that focussed on my ability to speak!
I don't recollect trying to change because that would not be honest. But I suppose I always pushed it away and focussed on the tasks at hand. Another dear friend of mine warned me - Rohan if you keep pushing things away, then life is going to hit you like a train. She was right. There was much that I had not unpacked and it suddenly started to pop out - like a champagne bottle (the cheap spilling one).
I spoke with a therapist, albeit only once. I realised that I had to recognise what is/was going on and then practically do what I could do. If you read this post last year, you would see that I was trying to be a better me. I realised that if I didn't recognise myself and kept suppressing things, then it would be difficult to lead a satisfying life. And after watching the series, the Rohan inside me said - You're okay. There's nothing to stress about. Everything is fine. It was the perfect conclusion. Incidentally, through the great efforts of another friend of mine, I was hearing short discourses on Chapter 2 of the Bhagwad Gita. Verse 14 struck a chord. It furthered my belief that all is okay, all will be okay.
I am not an emotional person (in the usual sense). I can be quite insensitive, especially with my jokes. The series touched the emotional part of me and made me realise that my life was overfilled with people that loved me. Reminded me of what a close friend once said - Rohan, you are blessed to have been loved by so many people.
She was right (again). I would have gone totally insane if I hadn't been blessed with the immense love and care from my Mum, my Guru, my brother and his family, my entire family, my dear and loving friends, my teachers, my colleagues and of course, from my Heartstopper (She endured a lot). It's important to have a support system.
The series doesn't touch upon God, but He is integral to my life. And I realised that I had to be confident of myself for my spiritual journey. He accepts anyone who loves Him. I thought I loved Him, but I didn't quite feel it. My devotion was dry, without rasa. As cheesy as it may sound, unless I accepted myself, there was no way I could truly love God. I think the upshot of all this is that I can feel His love now because when you're confident of yourself, then you can be confident that God is there. It's like what Maharaji says in Vedanta and Unitary Consciousness, we must have faith in our own self.
This blog has seen many things in my life. I think I hit a watershed moment in my life and it was important to share it here. I realised that the built up stress was also because I had stopped writing about myself. I think I had become conscious. I am glad that at 31 (as late as that is!), I am less worried about this.
Watch/read the series, if you can. Love will not cure everything. We have to put in the hard work. But love can support the hard work. And sometimes, actually most times, that's all we need.
