A punctured tee

                                                    To those yearing for home

Dressed in a crisp striped shirt,

With creased formal pants;

And shoes without any dirt,

I looked far from nonchalant.

It was the image to portray,

I meant business, not play;

A day filled with meetings,

There was nothing endearing.

The day ended in the hotel room,

A warm bath and a lonely gloom;

In my punctured tee,

And worn out boxers, I finally felt free.

I felt like myself,

Without the need to impress any goodselves.

Like the comfort of a dear friend,

Like returning home after travels end.

I closed my eyes and soothed myself to sleep,

For a moment in time, I did not wish to flee.

But tomorrow the sun shall rise again,

As will my pretence for momentary gains.

The cycle will continue,

I will wear shirts of all formal hues.

The tattered clothes will bring solace,

Away from all prying gaze.

2025

In the early days, I would try and write an year-end post. The posts would reflect on the year gone by and would contain resolutions for the coming year. I stopped writing those posts, probably, because I stopped writing altogether. Today, I resolved that I will write a post. I was determined. A new and inspiring post would have been ideal. It would have been a breath of fresh air. But, when you are in Delhi, where there is no fresh air, you get by with old memories of sunny winter afternoons. In the same way, I am going to peddle the old year-end review post, which at that time had youthful energy, and hope that I still have a flicker of that Chota Shakespeare.

I keep feeling that 2025 was a difficult year. But when I think about it, I realise that I am just being bratty. 2025 was great. We moved into a new home. I set up my office (though if you look at my desk, you'd disagree). We did innovative things in court. We travelled (though not as much). I finally went to Rishikesh after many years. I met old friends. I made new ones. We celebrated over meals and dinners with family and loved ones. Mokshi and I started hosting baithaks at home. We attended several concerts. Mimansa started play school. By any standard, these are highs to celebrate!

Of course, there were difficulties. Health was challenging, but healing touch was close by. Whenever we faced problems, we were supported by friends and family. The stress of life was controlled by the guidance of Gurus. No doubt, there was turmoil in our minds and hearts. But pain isn't always bad - great things are achieved after painful sacrifices. Sometimes, you just have to stick it out. And we made it till the end of the year! 

Though, one thing that continues to torture me is my declining spiritual discipline. 2025 was no better than 2024. This is, by far, my biggest disappointment.

I hope we can be better in 2026. Here's what I have on my list:

1. Better Body: The body is a temple. Backache must go. Yoga must come back.
2. Better Father: Pause for her.
3. Better Husband: Errands are endless. Time together is limited. Make most of it.
4. Better Son: Take care of them.
5. Better Brother: Look out for him.
6. Better Friend: Remember Birthdays. Make plans. Stay in touch.
7. Better Colleague: Give them the blessed environment that you received.
8. Better Lawyer: Be bold. Take out time for the good cause.
9. Better Student: Study Tukaram. Learn Chapter 15 of the Gita.
10. Better Poet: Write more poetry - silly, lovely, or crappy.
11. Better Me: Meditate. Everyday.

I know it looks like a lot. But we are not one person. We are many persons wrapped up in one body and mind. Thus, we have to try and be better in every way. I believe that if we truly intend to do things, then our intention propels us to act, and we move closer to our goals. So, it is not about doing a lot or less. It is about being committed to the various parts of us, so that we are incrementally better each year.

I pray that 2026 brings with it greater commitment towards our various personalities, but most of all, towards our ultimate nature i.e.: being one with God.

Cheers to 2025. Cheers to 2026.

- C.S.

Home

To Shivani and Debaditya, and everyone that made it possible.

When I was in junior school, I dreamt of being an architect. I remember looking at classifieds of real estate projects and pictures of high rise buildings and big malls. I thought that  one day I will become an architect and construct these enormous and awe inspiring buildings.

However, as one grows, dreams often fade away. And like that my dream to become an architect also faded. It gave away to other dreams, such as being the Prime Minister or being a pilot or being a journalist or being an academician or being an entrepreneur. Of course, all of these dreams also faded.

Growing up, I never quite dream that I would become a lawyer. But that is life - you end up doing things you don't always dream. Similarly, I never thought or dreamt that I would actually renovate or construct a house. It is, indeed, a backbreaking exercise (quite literally, as in my case, I ended up spraining my S-I joint). 

When the construction team calls you, while you are in court, and asks you whether you want round or square drain covers in the bathrooms and kitchen - you kind of lose it. The frustration is real. But thankfully, I had a great team to assist me in making these decisions and this post is dedicated to them. It is here that we must also acknowledge the frustration felt by your neighbours when you renovate your house. Theirs is a silent sacrifice. We must also acknowledge the support that you get from your friends, family, colleagues et al, who all accommodate you, fund you, and help you realise your dream. We all get by with a little help from our friends. "Thank you" to all of you.

Constructing a house is a deeply fulfilling and tiring experience. You learn so much about the various aspects of a house. For instance, I never knew that the omnipresent Kota stone is actually a limestone made of fossilised blue and green algae. The blue and green tinge is because it was (perhaps) once part of the Tethys Sea. I also did not know that if your water quality is good, you may not even need a RO machine. I also found out many incredible things about sanitary ware, electronics, woodwork, paint, lime work etc. It was a deeply humbling and enriching experience. Unfortunately, now, whenever I visit a restaurant or a monument or a hotel etc., I cannot help but notice the flooring, the colour schemes, the fabrics, the lighting etc. I guess, it will stay for sometime at least.

During this process, I realised that architecture has broadly three facets. This is, of course, my understanding of the matter and there is (probably) no theory backing it. 

The first aspect is functional. This is the base layer. If you are making a house, there have to be walls, proper wiring needs to be done, there have to be sufficient bathrooms, the TV viewing distance must be correct, the ACs need to be accurately placed, the planters must have sufficient depth, there should be sufficient lighting etc. This is the base structure or the machinery. The bare essentials and amenities. Here you deal with concrete, lime, bricks, pipework, wiring cables, copper wires etc.

The second layer in the architectural process is aesthetics. How do you make this machinery look beautiful? How do you make the house look pretty? Actually, the real question is – How do you make it look like a work of art? This is the most crucial work of an architect. It is here that she designs ceilings, flooring, wall colours, door designs, window grills, wardrobe exteriors, and even door handles! All this effort is geared towards making the house look pretty and pleasing to the eye. It should look curated, beautiful, and tied together. The house should tell a cohesive story. Most importantly, it should reflect the aesthetics of the residents.

The third aspect of architecture is the feeling of being in that space. Aesthetics ensure that the space becomes a work of art. But a work of art must evoke a feeling. A few months ago, I had read an article by the School of Life in which they said that it would be useful if architects could create “Spaces for Tenderness”, where one could contemplate maternal images and have the feeling of being swaddled (as we had been as infants). That made me realise that a well-designed space must evoke a feeling. It should feel like an experience and not just a beautiful space. The moment you see the Taj Mahal – you are stunned. The moment we enter a temple, we must feel the magnanimity of God. Similarly, spaces in our home, must evoke feelings in us. The bedroom should make us feel relaxed. The kitchen should tempt us to cook. The living area should feel like a community. A home is much like a ritual. It comforts us. For a brief moment in time, it makes us feel like we belong. That this is our space.

And yet we don’t belong to that space forever. Even though we “own” it, we are really tenants in this world. After we are gone, what is ours, becomes someone else’s. So we work very hard to create this wonderful space, but all the while, we should know at the back of our mind, that this too shall pass.

Beyond all this is the spiritual aspect of space. Of course, this is hardly the architect’s job. This falls on the shoulders of the householders. This is the toughest aspect. Swamiji once told us that a house is built to protect its occupants. The physical manifestation of this protection is from the elements i.e.: heat, cold, rain, thieves etc. But at a deeper level, we seek protection only when we feel different from the other. The feeling of the other creates the scope for fear. So long as there is another, there is a need for protection. Consequently, if you feel one with the other, then there is no fear, as what can one take from oneself? Therefore, the occupants of the house can truly feel protected only when they feel one with each other. In that sense, it is the householder’s duty to ensure that the house that s/he has constructed becomes a home for its residents. The householder must inculcate the feeling of oneness in his/her mind.

This reminds me of a Hymn from the Atharva Veda (Sukta 30, Kanda 3 - Love & Unity). Incidentally, I came across this Hymn way 6-7 years ago, while helping Swamiji with something. In fact, He had suggested that this Hymn is apt for a housewarming occasion. Here goes (from the translation of Dr. Tulsi Ram):

Whenever I read these verses, I feel extremely uplifted. Our forefathers had such an incredible vision for us! (And yet, where are we?)

The concept of looking for a house, also reminds of a portion from the Ramcharitmanas, where Tulsidas-ji beautifully expresses an exchange between Bhagwan Ram and Rishi Valmiki. Bhagwan Ram asks Rishi Valmiki – “Where should I stay?”. Interestingly, Rishi Valmiki asks Bhagwan Ram to reside in the hearts of His devotees and lists out the qualities of a true devotee. You can read the entire exchange here, along with the translation.

Today, we are constantly seeking and trying to be somewhere. There is a persistent unease. We are not settled. We don’t feel like we are at home. We hope that something or some experience or some person or some achievement will complete us. But in my limited 34 years, I doubt that these will ever complete us. So what will?

You will. If we inculcate the qualities listed by Rishi Valmiki or the feelings expressed in the above Hymn from the Atharva Veda, a lot of our worldly kalesh will end. As for the purpose of life type settlement, that will also come from You. After all, That Thou Art. During meditation, much of the world does not exist for you in that moment. It is You and your mind. In that deep state, there is a blissful silence. It is akin to the bliss of deep sleep, but it is something more. It is there that I feel calm. At ease. That is our true home. Because it is somewhere here that Bhagwan Ram is residing. The bliss we feel at that time is the bliss from communing with Him.

On that note, I hope that we all find our way Home.

Being a parent

To all the Mothers who supported us in this wonderful journey. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you.

Almost a year ago, we were blessed with a baby girl. Apologies for the late announcement. As you can imagine, life has been busy. Without a doubt, a child permanently changes your perspectives and priorities (for the better). In this post, I will share my experience and why I feel that parenthood is a deeply spiritual experience. To my mind, parenthood brings us a step closer to realising the Ultimate. 

1) The world is your family

One of the stark changes in my perspectives was with respect to other children/babies. Now. whenever I see babies/children, I think of my daughter. If the baby/child is younger than her, I fondly think of the time I spent with her (time does fly). If the child is older, then I think of the wonderful time that is to come - that one day, she will also run around, eat on her own, say silly things, and ask questions which we won’t know how to answer.

There is a type of same-sightedness with respect to children/babies. This same-sightedness is associated with the deep love and connection that one has with their child. My love for her makes me see her everywhere. 

In Verse 29, Chapter 6 of the Bhagavad Gita, Bhagawan Sri Krishna says:

सर्वभूतस्थमात्मानं सर्वभूतानि चात्मनि ।

ईक्षते योगयुक्तात्मा सर्वत्र समदर्शनः ॥ ६-२९॥

6.29 One whose mind has attained purity through Yoga, who has the vision of sameness everywhere, sees his Self existing in all things, all things in his Self.

[Translation by Swami Gambhirananda ji]

Bhagwan speaks of a mind that is purified and such a person sees his Self in all things, and all things in his Self. I felt that parenthood allowed me to see my child in all children. My daughter awakened in me a love for her, and also a love for all children. She purified my mind and developed a sense of sameness in me. This made me realise that it was possible to love everyone and to see the world as your family.

2) You are not this body

Having a child also gave me a greater sense of empathy. So whenever I see children, who are in unfortunate circumstances, I cannot help but feel - what if that was my daughter? There’s probably not much I can do about the inequality in society but I try to do whatever I think may remedy the situation or at least quell these uneasy feelings. I feel scared and heartbroken imagining that it could be my child.

The pain that children endure is really felt by their parents. When our daughter was unwell, we were also out of sorts and worried for her. Perhaps, it was our मोह or just new parent anxieties. Either way, it reminded me of the time when we studied वेदान्तसार. In Para 123 of the text, it is stated as follows:

अतिप्राकृतस्तु “आत्मा वै जायते पुत्रः” इत्यादिश्रुतेः स्वस्मिन्निव

पुत्रेऽपि प्रेमदर्शनात्पुत्रे पुष्टे नष्टे चाहमेव पुष्टो नष्टश्चेत्याद्यनुभवाच्च

पुत्र आत्मेति वदति ॥ १२३॥

123. (Thus for example) an extremely deluded man speaks of his son as his own Self, on account of such Sruti passages as, “Verily the Self is born as the son,” owing also to the fact that one loves one’s son as one’s own Self, and further because of the experience that one feels oneself prosperous or ruined according as one’s son fares well or ill.

[Translation by Swami Nikhilananda ji]

We were very young when we studied this text. At that time, it seemed quite unbelievable that a person could identify themselves with their child to the extent that the child’s pain would become their pain. When I became a father,  I realised that it is the most obvious feeling. 

I could feel pain, even though it was not my body that was going through the illness. According to Vedanta, identifying the Self with the child is a delusion. Yet, to my mind, it is still useful, because it takes you away from a much stronger delusion, that is, the Self is the gross body.

3) Money is necessary, but it’s not everything

The love for my child also altered my priorities and understanding of work and career. While I enjoy my profession, I have increasingly come to realise that the chase for success and growth is endless. No matter how much we achieve, there will still be more to go. And no matter how much money or power we have, it will not be enough; we will still want ‘a little more’. So, I realised that, at some level, I have to draw the line. All my time can’t be consumed by work and career. There are other greater and more important things in my life. My family and my darling daughter deserve more time from me. Of course, when we don’t give our whole time to work, something at work will suffer. But that’s okay. It’s a cost worth absorbing.

While we are talking about work, there is another important realisation that I would like to share. Prior to pursuing my passion for law, I was working with a multinational consulting firm. Sometimes, I wondered - what if I had continued to work at the firm? I would have travelled well, earned well, clocked in air miles and hotel reward points etc. Recently, I took up an assignment which involved frequent travel. I got the chance to fly frequently, stay in fancy hotels etc. - all the things which I had left and yet craved for. But strangely, it didn’t feel as glamorous as it used to feel (in my head). While I was travelling for work, the hotel room was the most boring place on Earth. There was no one. Somedays, I would even eat alone. No baby, no family, no ghiya, tori, tinda. It dawned on me that no amount of air miles, hotel reward points or credit card bonus points can compensate for spending time away from your loved ones. Monetary gains are fabulous and they greatly take care of our needs. But when you are blessed with a bundle of joy, then money becomes less exciting. 

4) It’s a lot of work

Parenting requires you to give a lot. It takes immense hard work, time, and effort to raise a child. It is often said that it takes a village to raise a baby. It is true - you need all the help to raise a child. Therefore, ask for it. Don’t hesitate.

Parenting made me realise the great importance of joint families and having grandparents around. Living with family makes raising children much easier on the parents. Needless to say, the actual appreciation for your parents comes only when you become one.

One of your tasks as a parent is to teach the child. A baby is born with some innate skills/impressions from previous lives. However, to function effectively in the world, the child needs to learn several motor skills, language abilities, emotional skills etc. Much of this responsibility falls on the parents. I realised that to teach my child, I had to first become a student. So, if I wanted my child to hear Sanskrit rhymes, I needed to learn them first. If I wanted my child to eat healthy, I had to ensure that the cooking was healthy. If I wanted my child to be away from the screen, then I had to switch off the TV and cut back on my screen time. Children are curious learners. They will imitate you. We all want our children to be better than us. For that to happen, we need to be better. Therefore, parenting involves self-work as well.

But, trust me, it is worth it. When your child smiles for no apparent reason, the joy that blossoms in your heart - nothing compares to that. [Sometimes, I feel we should be more like children and smile without any reason, at least, the wrinkles will get delayed!] 

There were times, when in the wee hours of the morning, I would rock my daughter to sleep. I would do so standing in front of the image of God and singing stotras to her. It was deeply exhausting, as I would be sleepy, and would have to go to court in a couple of hours. Yet, that quiet moment with God and her blessing is something I would cherish my whole life. For her, I would do it everyday.

5) Everything is temporary

This brings me to another thought about parenthood. In October last year, I attended a lecture by Smt. Jaya Row ji on Chapter 2 of the Bhagavad Gita. I have been listening to her lectures for many years now. She said a very interesting thing that day. She said -  No matter how much you love someone or how much they love you, our journey in this world will end alone. We can’t take them with us and they can’t take us with them. If you asked your spouse - “Would you come along with me, when I die?”, then your spouse would probably not answer that question and just ask you to not talk of depressing matters and nonsensical suggestions. Equally, if my spouse were to ask me this…really, nobody is going to agree to this. But that does not make their love any less. The reality is that their (and our) love is for here and now only. It is, for all practical purposes, temporary. At some stage, we will have to let it go. The same will be for our children. No matter how much we love them, how close we are to them, and how much we dote on them; in the end, our spiritual journey is only ours to make.

This reminded me of a shloka from the कैवल्य उपनिषद् (Kaivalya Upanishad) -

तस्मै स होवाच पितामहश्च श्रद्धाभक्तिध्यानयोगादवैहि ।

न कर्मणा न प्रजया धनेन त्यागेनैके अमृतत्वमानशुः ॥२॥

2. And to him, the Grandsire (Brahma) said, Know (this) by means of faith, devotion, and meditation. Not by work, nor by progeny, nor by wealth, but by renunciation, some attained immortality.

[Translation by Advaita Ashram]

My daughter has made me a better person. She has helped me develop a greater sense of empathy. She has taught me selfless work. She has brought me closer to God. She has taught me that work and wealth are not everything. 

Yet, even progeny is temporary. Swami Chinmayananda ji used to repeatedly say - “Remember, even this will pass away!” The Permanent can be known only through faith, devotion, and meditation and through renunciation. 

In my undergraduate days, I was a rebel without a cause and I had sworn that I would never marry or have children. Now, I realise the importance of a companion and of children. The life of the householder provides the ideal environment for selfless work. Being a parent completely changes you. In a sense, you are also born again. One should not forget that every birth is an opportunity to realise the Highest. And therefore, our birth as a parent should reignite our spirit towards the Ultimate.

ॐ

Shankaracharya Jayanti

Today is Shankaracharya Jayanti. Bhagwan Adi Shankaracharya's contribution to Hinduism remains unparalleled. His Bhashya (commentaries) on the Prasthanatrayi (i.e.: the Upanishads, Bhagavad Gita and Brahma Sutra) continue to guide us on the meaning and exposition of the texts. His Prakarna Grantha expound the various topics delved on in the Upanishads. He is, indeed, Lord Shiva Himself.

However, today, I would like to focus on the stotras composed by Bhagwan Adi Shankaracharya. It is my belief that of His works, the stotras are most popular. Knowingly or unknowingly, we have learnt them and sung them. My hypothesis is that through His stotras, He has reached the vast majority of Hindus, across the world.

In service to that, I am sharing a playlist of some of my favourite stotras by Bhagwan Adi Shankaracharya. The playlist is accessible on Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0iJ8EHyITuOGGPNUB4FSUE?si=a0da7adbd43b4b26

I pray to Bhagwan that we may be able to hear, reflect and absorb His teachings and ultimately have the experience of Advaita.

Ud Jayega Hans Akela

When I was a teenager, we used to go to Kamani Auditorium every year to hear discourses from Smt. Jaya Row ji. Her erudite explanations of the Bhagwad Gita exposed me to the wonderful world of Vedanta and for that I am forever indebted to Her. Before the discourses, a beautiful young woman would sing bhajans. She would come everyday, year after year. The bhajan that stuck with me was - Ud jaayega hans akela. I used to look forward to hearing it. Then, one fine year, the singer stopped coming. 

I frantically searched the internet for the singer's rendition of the song. I couldn't find her or the rendition. It didn't help that I didn't know her name. What I did find was a rendition by one Pt. Kumar Gandharva. Of course, back then, I didn't know who he was. There were no other renditions and so I had to make do with Kumar ji's rendition. With time, the bhajan grew on me.

Once in a while, I would search the internet for other renditions, but I would hardly find anything. However, one time, I found a recording in Marathi (back then on Soundcloud), which had a snippet of the bhajan, by a fellow called Rahul Deshpande.

Skip a few years, and my wife entered my life (then fiancé). As all of you know, she sings Hindustani classical. One day, she showed me a video of Pt. Madhup Mudgal, who everyone fondly calls Bhaiya ji and who is the principal of Gandharva Mahavidyalaya, where my wife was/is learning music. In the video, I saw the singer from Jaya ji's lectures!!! Immediately, I asked my wife - who is she? who is she? She told me that she was Sawani Mudgal, Bhaya ji's daughter.

I quickly searched Ud jayega hans akela on YouTube and selected Kumar ji's version, as I explained to my wife the intimate connection that I had with the composition. She, then, narrated the greatness of Kumar ji to me. I was spellbound. And then came the greatest revelation - Bhaiya ji was a disciple of Kumar ji and the rendition that Sawani sang all those years ago, which I heard in my teenage, was actually composed by Kumar ji. I heard Kumar ji's grand-disciple before I had heard him and it was the grand-disciple's singing that made me fall in love with the Guru -Kumar ji.

Incidentally, during the lockdown in 2020, my wife showed me a video of another wonderful singer. He was Rahul Deshpande - the same Marathi fellow, who I had heard many years ago. He was also from the same musical lineage as Pt. Kumar Gandharva.

Now coming to the words of the bhajan. I am not a lyrics person. People around me have a tough time correcting my singing words (and of course also my terrible notes). The meaning of the bhajan has been beautifully captured here. I will focus on the last few lines which talk of self-effort and it is our actions alone that will bear fruit. In the Vivekachudamani, which we are studying these days, Bhagwan Shankaracharya beautifully conveys this idea in the following verses:

ऋणमोचनकर्तारः पितुः सन्ति सुतादयः।

बन्धमोचनकर्ता तु स्वस्मादन्यो न कश्चन।।53।।

A father has his sons and others to save him from his financial debts, but to redeem himself from his delusions, there is none but himself

मस्तकन्यस्तभारादेर्दुःखमन्यैर्निवार्यते।

क्षुधादिकृतदुःखं तु विना स्वेन न केनचित्।।54।।

Exhaustion and fatigue caused by carrying a load on the head can be relieved by others coming to one's help. But none save one's own self can end the pangs caused by hunger etc.

पथ्यमौषधसेवा च क्रियते येन रोगिणा।

आरोग्यसिद्धिर्दृष्टाय नान्यानुष्ठितकर्मणा।।55।।

The patient who faithfully follows the right diet and takes the proper medicine alone is perceived to recover from his illness; no one recovers because another undergoes the treatment.

(Translation by Swami Chinmayananda ji)

It took nearly 15 years, but everything finally fit (many thanks to my wife for completing my life - in more ways than one). This one bhajan neatly captured my life in the last 15 years - my dedication to Vedanta, my attraction to classical music and the mysteries that bind us all. 

Today, we complete 15 years of this blog. In 2008, I was still in school and had started this blog because there was nothing to do on a national holiday. Back then, I didn't imagine that I would continue to write for 15 years! But, today, I am confident that I can never give up writing. 

I thought I should write about something that has also been part of this incredible journey. This bhajan has. I didn't know the bhajan's greatness back then. Slowly, but surely, it was revealed to me. I suppose that is also true for the path of Moksha. Slowly, but surely it is revealed. And when it is, we must make the effort and follow it.

Happy Republic Day! May the law forever protect you!

Happy Basant Panchmi! May Maa Saraswati forever bless you!

Thank you for being a part of this journey. For reading, for sharing and or giving feedback. 

It really means a lot.

2022

Over the past few days, I have been trying to write this post. But something or the other (read- laziness) prevented me from starting it. 

2022 has been an incredible year. I can't believe the many things that happened this year.

We just heard this song and I thought it captured my feelings accurately. Despite the tough times, indeed, what a wonderful world! God is kind, we just need to attune ourselves to see His kindness. He is always smiling at us. His image instantly calms us. Even when He is mischievous, He continues to be adorable. 

Happy New Year!

May Krishna bless us all!

Fleeting

I am writing fiction after a long time, so forgive.

S was driving and V was sitting on the passenger side. They had just had a sumptuous meal in one of the new organic farm restaurants that had cropped up on the outskirts of the city. V was always skeptical of these new fads and felt that the food was quite the same, except for the hype and the exorbitant prices. On the other hand, S embraced the naturalness of it all - the fresh produce, the intimate connection with the earth, the dinning in open areas et al. Clearly, in these matters, S was the hippie and V was the Grinch.

It had been raining all day, sometimes intense and sometimes as soft as mist blowing from a fan. S loved monsoon and waited for it all year. It was only fortuitous that it was raining. Following Google Maps' guidance, S turned towards a side lane, instead of the main wide road. S had an uneasy relationship with Google Maps. Sometimes, it helped S reach the destination in time. On other occasions, it took S to unknown roads that ended abruptly. S didn't know what to do - trust or not trust. S was with V and it was better to simply follow, as against hurling curses at artificial intelligence. 

Surprisingly, the road was fine and in fact prettier. It was lined with trees on both the sides. As they were driving through the tree lined road, raindrops softly fell on the car windshield. They were talking about something which, at that time, was of consequence. Suddenly, Spotify played Meri Jaan by Jubin Nautiyal (composed by Shashwat Sachdev). This was one of S' favourite songs. 

"I sent you this months ago! Did you listen?" S asked V.

"Oh...umm...sorry" said V embarrassingly.

"USELESS!!!" exclaimed S.

V didn't know how to react to S' outbursts. Silence was the best strategy.

"Now I am playing it again, listen carefully!" ordered S.

As the tunes played, the raindrops continued to fall. V rolled down the window and let the raindrops fall on the face, wind blowing through the hair. S loved co-passengers enjoying the drive. The protective aura of the trees transported them into a world of their own - where it was just them, the soft raindrops and the song.

S continued to sing along with the singer, though quite awfully. It did not matter whether the singing was even remotely close to the notes. What mattered was the joy that came from freely expressing. S always enjoyed freedom.

"This is the best part!" said S.

The singing talents of Jubin Nautiyal were surprisingly replaced by a famous Hindustani Classical Kajri that celebrates rain - Barsan Lagi Badariyan. It lasted only for a few seconds - just as spotting a beautiful bird perched on a tree, who flies away, as soon as it is spotted. A micro second's silence and immediately the song came back to Jubin. 

After a few minutes, they reached V's destination. S stopped the car and turned to V.

"Next time - visit sooner!" S said, in a rather demanding way.

V didn't commit and simply smiled. They hugged awkwardly in the car and V got out.

S looked at V walking away. Something told S that this was it. Somethings in life are like this only - fleeting. They come - when we least expect them or even not expect them at all! And soon enough, they also leave. No matter how much we wish, pray or hope, all things come and fade away at His will. Sometimes, they come back only to leave again. 

S had an epiphany, which also come at the oddest times. S thought - perhaps, it would be wiser to embrace reality, as it is, instead of holding on to an imagined perfection. S was now looking at the road in front. S drove on, hoping that the pain of parting was, like much else, also fleeting.

*

Moment in the Sun 🌧☀️ 🌈

Song : Moment in the Sun - Sunflower Bean

I usually don't blog about the TV that I watch, but I recently saw the Netflix Series - Heartstopper. Immediately after watching the series, I read the graphic novels by Alice Oseman. It was quite comforting to watch and read.

I am not going to disclose what the series is about - so no spoilers here. But if you've ever dealt with being alone, bullying, mental health, problems with love, self-harm, identifying your sexuality or personality or just finding yourself, then the series is for you. I have dealt with some of this in my life. I am still dealing with it, as some of these things do not go away easily (as Ms. Oseman rightly says in the book).

The series came at an opportune time in my life. It wasn't as if the series cured anything. I doubt that any book or series can ever do that. These can only comfort or guide. The hard work has to be done by us. I think I had been doing some hard work and when the series came along, it all seemed to culminate. I was quite happy after I saw the series. Almost relieved, I think.

During school and sometime afterwards, I was conscious of my voice. I had (or have?) some effeminate characteristics. People made fun, but it never bothered me. In fact, if anything, it only propelled me to excel. But I guess, it was always there at the back of mind. I mostly had (or have?) female friends. I am not the usual macho. But, I still remember what a dear friend of mine told me in college - Rohan, you're more man than most men! I really appreciated what she said, though I didn't fully understand what she meant. I think I do now, though there is no way to check. It's also quite incredible that I decided to take up a profession that focussed on my ability to speak!

I don't recollect trying to change because that would not be honest. But I suppose I always pushed it away and focussed on the tasks at hand. Another dear friend of mine warned me - Rohan if you keep pushing things away, then life is going to hit you like a train. She was right. There was much that I had not unpacked and it suddenly started to pop out - like a champagne bottle (the cheap spilling one). 

I spoke with a therapist, albeit only once. I realised that I had to recognise what is/was going on and then practically do what I could do. If you read this post last year, you would see that I was trying to be a better me. I realised that if I didn't recognise myself and kept suppressing things, then it would be difficult to lead a satisfying life. And after watching the series, the Rohan inside me said - You're okay. There's nothing to stress about. Everything is fine. It was the perfect conclusion. Incidentally, through the great efforts of another friend of mine, I was hearing short discourses on Chapter 2 of the Bhagwad Gita. Verse 14 struck a chord. It furthered my belief that all is okay, all will be okay.

I am not an emotional person (in the usual sense). I can be quite insensitive, especially with my jokes. The series touched the emotional part of me and made me realise that my life was overfilled with people that loved me. Reminded me of what a close friend once said - Rohan, you are blessed to have been loved by so many people. 

She was right (again). I would have gone totally insane if I hadn't been blessed with the immense love and care from my Mum, my Guru, my brother and his family, my entire family, my dear and loving friends, my teachers, my colleagues and of course, from my Heartstopper (She endured a lot). It's important to have a support system.

The series doesn't touch upon God, but He is integral to my life. And I realised that I had to be confident of myself for my spiritual journey. He accepts anyone who loves Him. I thought I loved Him, but I didn't quite feel it. My devotion was dry, without rasa. As cheesy as it may sound, unless I accepted myself,  there was no way I could truly love God. I think the upshot of all this is that I can feel His love now because when you're confident of yourself, then you can be confident that God is there. It's like what Maharaji says in Vedanta and Unitary Consciousness, we must have faith in our own self.

This blog has seen many things in my life. I think I hit a watershed moment in my life and it was important to share it here. I realised that the built up stress was also because I had stopped writing about myself. I think I had become conscious. I am glad that at 31 (as late as that is!), I am less worried about this. 

Watch/read the series, if you can. Love will not cure everything. We have to put in the hard work. But love can support the hard work. And sometimes, actually most times, that's all we need. 

Photo Credits: Mokshi

Krishna and His forms

Bhagwan Krishna has been a constant in my life. When I was a child, Mumma used to take us to various temples on Janamasthami evening. We used to be fascinated by the decorations - the flowers, the balloons, the different Gods and Goddesses and the depiction of Bhagwan's Leela. Of course, most fascinating was always the prasad - toffees, chocolates and malai cheeni! Bhagwan Krishna remained as I grew up.** 

Like many of us, the first text that I studied was the Shrimad Bhagwad Gita. At that time, I was in school and I was in my early teens. Bhagwan Krishna was a mystical guiding light. I believed, even though I didn't know for sure, that the words of Bhagwan had an answer to all our problems. I remember gifting the miniature Gita to a most dear friend of mine, when she left India to study abroad. I believed that if she took the words of Bhagwan with her, she would fine. 

When I reached college, Bhagwan became more of a friend. I suppose that is because life in college was casual and fun. And so Bhagwan became a friend - the invisible designated driver. I would speak to Him. Get angry with Him. Celebrate His birthday with much fan fare. I continued spreading His words by gifting copies of the Bhagwad Gita. He resided in me as the voice of reason.

It was only later that I visited Him in Dwarka, Gujarat (thanks to another dear friend of mine). Bhagwan realised that I had had enough to enjoy and that it was time to get serious. After I had His darshan, He decided to reveal Himself in the form of my Guru, who I met immediately after visiting Him in Dwarka. He was now closer to me than ever before.

I continued to read/study the Gita throughout this time. Each time I studied it, I would come across something new. Of all the times that I studied it, I still remember the time  I was listening to the discourse on the last ten verses of Chapter 9. He explained that devotion was all that was needed, that I could offer anything and everything to Him, that He only wanted me to be free of bondage, that if I remained fixed on Him then my vices would disappear and all I needed to do was to surrender to Him.

But surrendering doesn't come easy. Especially to an anxious and worrisome person like me. Surrendering requires faith - that He knows best and that all I can do is to try. And so, I tried to practice surrendering, quite contrary to my nature. It was then that I realised that an intellectual faith is incomplete and dry. It lacks the ability to melt the heart. For that, we need love.

Knowing that I needed love, He came as the Beloved. He knew that I needed to practice bhakti now, that my heart needed to melt and so He created an environment that allowed me to be overwhelmed by His compassion and love. Thereafter, surrendering became a little easier. 

There is much more that I need to learn and practice. I am confident that He will show the way. I have faith that He will shower His grace.

Happiest Birthday Bhagwan. Thank you for always being there in all these forms. I can proudly say:

त्वमेव माता च पिता त्वमेव ।

त्वमेव बन्धुश्च सखा त्वमेव ।

त्वमेव विद्या द्रविणम् त्वमेव ।

त्वमेव सर्वम् मम देव देव ॥

ॐ

**The italics portion in the first paragraph was added later.

Krishna's Butter Ball in Mahabalipuram

गुरु पूर्णिमा / Guru Purnima

Today is गुरु पूर्णिमा or व्यास पूजा . Today we pay obeisance to the Guru. I met Swamiji for the first time in June 2014 in Mount Abu (I will forever be indebted to Ganesh for this trip). At that time in my life, a question was nagging me – what is the cause of the universe? The quest for liberation seemed bizarre – why did God create the universe, only for us to go through misery and suffering, to eventually realise through intense efforts that all is actually unreal? If He is all powerful and supreme, why bother with this rigmarole?

In this mental background, I have distinct memory from that trip. Ganesh and I were accompanying Swamiji on His evening walk. He took us to a part of Mount Abu where there were several करोंदा bushes (or trees?). This was my first visit to Mount Abu and my first taste of करोंदा. Swamiji asked us to explore the various bushes and the different taste of the berry that each bush offered. I remember plucking a few for Swamiji and He kindly accepted them. 

After some time, Ganesh told Swamiji that I had a few doubts that I wanted clarified. Remember, this was the first time I was meeting Swamiji, and I was obviously shy. He kindly agreed and I asked – “What is the cause of the universe?”

“अज्ञान or ignorance is the cause,” He said.

Like any beginner student, I shot back with a counter – “What is the cause of अज्ञान or ignorance?”

He smiled and said “There is no cause of अज्ञान. When you ask about the cause of अज्ञान, you negate your original question regarding the cause of the universe. If अज्ञान had a cause, then it would be an effect and not a cause. Thus, for anything to be a cause of the universe, it cannot be the effect of something else. अज्ञान does not have any cause, but is the cause of the whole universe.”

While the cause-effect logic made sense, I was puzzled about अज्ञान not having a cause. My silence revealed my confusion and Swamiji gave an illustration to explain – “Do you know Swahili?”

“No, Swamiji”

“If someone asked you the cause of your not knowing, what would you say? Nothing – there is no cause for not knowing. There can be a cause for knowing, but none for not knowing”

Even though I didn’t fully understand, I nodded. I do that sometimes. The explanation made some sense to me. Over the years, through Swamiji’s kind grace, Ganesh and I studied various प्रकरण texts of Vedanta and the nature of ignorance became clearer. Well, clearer to the extent that one can’t say anything about ignorance – it is, in that sense, अनिर्वचनीय.

While nothing can be said about ignorance, much can be said about a Guru – the dispeller of ignorance. Having said that, there is nothing I can say about a Guru that has not already been said before.

Without a Guru, life is directionless. On any journey, we encounter numerous questions, doubts, and deal with many unknowns. These questions, doubts, and unknowns are especially significant on a spiritual journey, where one is discovering one’s own Self. A spiritual journey is the most intimate journey that one can travel. Thus, the necessity of a guide on this path. It is easy to lose the way, to get embroiled in these questions, doubts, and unknowns, to lose sight of the way and to get attached to the sights of the journey. The Guru keeps you on track. He gives you direction.

The Guru is the embodiment of mercy (करुणावतारम्). The Guru understands your doubts and through His infinite kindness and mercy guides you to a solution that suits you. This is a miracle in itself – that someone understands your difficulty and offers a solution suited to you. In our dealings with the world, we constantly encounter people who have selfish interests when advising us. The Guru does not have any selfish interest. He does not want anything from you. Thus, His advice is the purest form of advice that you can receive. 

The Guru is verily the Lord Himself. During the समुद्रमन्थन, a poison हलाहल was generated. भगवान शंकर consumed हलाहल and saved the world. The Guru accepts all the negativities that we put at His feet. In return, He offers only blessings and guidance. He only gives. He cares for you without any expectation. He wants only your growth.

If you have been blessed to have a Guru, then you can understand the flow of love and kindness that I am referring to. He is Love. God showers His love through Him. When I look back, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Without a Guru, my life would have been very different. I owe everything to Him and to the गुरु शिष्य परम्परा. It is His kindness that has saved me. And it is at His lotus feet that मोक्ष is possible.

S+V

Monsoon has officially arrived in Delhi. Monsoon is the season of love. Here is something that I had started writing, but did not complete. Perhaps, someday I will. Until then, here's to Monsoon and to love.

Monsoon is the season of lovers. Amir Khusrau said to hell with a monsoon, which is spent away from the Beloved. Faiz Anwar, in one of Bollywood’s most beautiful songs - Aaoge Jab Tum, described that rain pours and dances when two lovers meet. When the raindrops touch the naked body, something deeper is awakened. It’s like sun rays falling on the face in winter. Or like walking through a street lined with laburnum in summer. Or like the slight chill in autumn’s wind. Or like a pink sky in Delhi. A blessing from above, a shower of God’s love.

S was driving to work. It had been pouring all night and there was bound to be traffic. But he was unfazed. The impending flooded roads didn’t concern him. The long commute would give him time to speak to V, who he had met a few weeks ago. They had been talking on and off. V was flirtatious and the sudden attention warmed S’s heart. Even though it had been just a few weeks, S yearned to speak to V. S had already reached the point, where he made a list of things to discuss with (or rather ask) V. Don’t judge S – we’ve all been there; an infatuation that feels like true love, a hobby that feels like a career and a coincidence that feels like destiny.

S was now at a traffic signal. The rain intensified and the raindrops were falling hard on the metal roof of the car. The sound created by the hard-hitting drops was not at all pleasant. S decided to play some music. He looked outside. Two people were standing close to each other under one umbrella. They were both looking down to a single phone between them. S did not know them. But love was in the air (or more in his mind) and he imagined that they were lovers. S smiled seeing what he believed to be a romantic scene – one that was right out of Shree 420. He wondered if he would share such a moment with V...

Bhaja Shivoham

After the discovery of the Shiva Linga figure in the Gyanvapi Mosque, posts started circulating on social media with images of elliptical/oval figures mocking the claim of the Plaintiffs that the figure is a Shiva Linga. I saw some of those posts (now that I have returned to Twitter). I was hurt because the posts also mocked God, that too an aspect of God which is dear to me (Shiva). I spent sometime being angry and annoyed. Posted some heated tweets (which made me realise why I had left Twitter in the first place).

But something did not feel right. I kept feeling like that there must be a spiritual answer to this. Like in the Manishapanchakam, Bhagwan Adi Shankaracharya came across a Chandala on his way to the temple. When Bhagwan asked him to move away, the Chandala asked him whether he wanted the body to move or the consciousness that pervades the body? Realising that the Chandala was really Bhagwan Shiva, Bhagwan Adi Shankaracharya gave the most exquisite explanation of the Oneness that pervades everyone and everything. Incidentally, the background of Manishapanchakam was also in Banaras.

And so I wondered, whether there could be such a poetic response to these posts. It is quite presumptuous of me to compose such a response. I seek Bhagwan's mercy, as I endeavour to compose a response. I am very poor at Sanskrit, and so the response is in Hindi - not that my Hindi is great! 

शिव व्यापक हैं, जगत कारण,

अधिष्ठान हैं, करें ब्रह्माण्ड धारण;

 हर "है" रूप मे भासमान,

 इधर भी वही विराजमान।

शिवलिंग हैं विशेष चिन्ह,

उपासना से होंगे अभिन्न;

सारी सृष्टि उनकी कृति

हर रूप मे करो हर दृष्टि !

जो शिव मंदिर में प्रतिष्ठित,

वही सब के हृदय स्थित;

उनकी निन्दा है तुम्हारी हार,

तत्त्वमसि - कहें कितनी बार?

भज शिवोहम् ! भज शिवोहम् ! 

*

Shiva is all-pervading, He is the cause of the world,

He is the sub-stratum, He encompasses the whole universe;

He shines in all that exists,

(Thus) He is here too.

Shiva Linga is His special symbol,

Worshiping (It) one becomes not-different (from Him),

Everything is His creation,

In every form see Him!

The Shiva that resides in the temple,

Also resides in everyone's heart,

You lose when He is insulted,

That Thou Art - How many times to repeat?

Recite Shivoham (I am Shiva)!

Recite Shivoham (I am Shiva)! 

This is my humble attempt at composing a response. Please accept with a bucket full of salt. I don't even know if this qualifies as a response, but I wanted to write something.

[Indica.org is holding an essay writing competition on Bhagwan Adi Shankaracharya. One of the topics is - "Adi Shankara in my daily life". I have not written the essay as yet, but this is an example of Adi Shankara in my daily life. His compositions inspire, console and enthuse me. My experiments with religion/faith would not have been possible without Bhagwan's ever illuminating guidance.]

ॐ

Photo Credits: Mokshi

Wonder

During the annual summer vacations in school, my brother and I used to leisurely wake up. We didn't have to get up at the crack of dawn and get ready for school and we would lie in bed for as long as we could. But parents are parents and one of their key goals in life is to ensure that their progeny wakes up on time - by hook or by crook. And so our dear Mum deployed a unique strategy to wake us up. 

Mumma had purchased a CD of Anuradha Paudwal Ji titled 'Ram Ratan Dhan Payo'. It was a collection of Bhagwan Ram's Bhajans. Now in the 1990s, bluetooth speakers were not the norm. Instead, we had a 'music system' with two large speakers, which we called a 'deck'. The music system had two cassette inlets and the optical disc drive had the option of playing 3 CDs (which was remarkable!). It had a gazillion buttons, which when pressed would let out voices such as 'Bass', 'Treble' and the like. Right at the centre of the device was the volume dial. Playing any track on full volume had its own joy.

Anyway, to wake us up, Mother used to play that CD on the deck at near full volume. It was impossible to continue sleeping. Reluctantly, we would get out of bed and find some other place to loaf about. Since I had heard the entire album innumerable times, the bhajans are now etched in my subconscious memory. I would know when Anuradha ji would take a pause and when she would repeat a particular phrase. 

[Incidentally, when I was in Bali and the wife and I were basking in the sun at the beach, one of the beach shacks behind us was playing Aartis by Anuradha ji. It was quite hilarious and remarkable at the same time.]

I don't remember when and how 'Ram Ratan Dhan Payo' stopped playing. I guess, we grew up. Or the deck became obsolete. But like I said, the memory of the bhajans remained. My favourite track in the album was Ramchandra Kripalu Bhajaman. It continues to be one of my favourite Bhagwan Ram bhajans. 

But there is another track in the album which is quite calming. It is Ramcharitamanas. Unlike the other tracks, it doesn't have accompaniments like the manjira or the ghanti or ghungro. I think only the Tanpura is playing. It is a melodious recitation of a portion of Tulsidas' Ramcharitamanas.

I am a terrible singer. But I am even worse at lyrics. I don't remember the words to even my favourite songs. And so, I had heard Anuradha Paudwal Ji's Ramcharitamanas several times, only picking up bits and pieces of the verse, never fully knowing the words or their meaning. The track felt calming and I enjoyed listening to it.

Until yesterday, when on Twitter, I clicked on a link in a tweet by Vedanta Society. The link was to a post by Swami Tyagananda titled "Where shall I stay?". The post was about an exchange between Bhagwan Rama and Rishi Valmiki in Tulsidas' Ramcharitamanas. During His exile in the forest, Bhagwan Rama asked Rishi Valmiki - 'Where shall I stay?". To this, Rishi Valmiki said that Bhagwan Rama should reside in the hearts of His devotees and then goes on to list the attributes of a devotee.

As I was reading the post, the words seemed familiar. Idiot that I am, I first thought that perhaps some of the verses are from the Hanuman Chalisa. Until I came across a particular verse which was distinctive of Anuradha ji's rendition of Ramcharitamanas. It then dawned on me that the verses in front of me were the words of the track that I had been listening to since over two decades. What a coincidence!

Even though the ignorance of the lyrics and their meaning did not have a negative impact on my life - in the sense that I did not feel incompleteness - the knowledge of the lyrics and meaning gave a positive feeling of joy and wonder. The track now has a different and more intimate connection with me. 

And that is the incredible thing about life. Things that appear ordinary become special when we examine them closely. Now when I listen to it, the composition evokes a deeper feeling of bhakti.

A vocalist singing a complex Raga may seem bizarre to an untrained ear; but with the right knowledge of music, the same rendition would evoke the desired rasa in the listener. 

In Chapters 20 and 21 of The Little Prince, there is a fascinating discussion between The Little Prince and the Fox where the latter asks the former to 'tame' him. By taming him, he would become the Prince's friend and would be unique to him. He would no longer be like the hundreds of other foxes. The ordinary would become meaningful and special. It is here that the Fox tells the Prince a secret - It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. 

We have all grown up learning and singing the rhyme - Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. The second line of the composition is - How I wonder what you are! And yet, at some point, our 'wonder' for the stars (and many other things in life) stops. Things become mundane instead of being special. We let the beauty pass by and don't stop and admire the wonder!

The real wonder, of course, is that on a closer examination, the world is a manifestation of Bhagwan Rama Himself. A vision like that makes everything special. Nothing becomes a source of sorrow. Everything is God. There is nothing that is different from God. Everything is unique and yet part of a universal continuum.

May the Lord give us the vision to see Him in all beings (including us)!

Seeing a peacock as you drive out of court. A wonder indeed!
Photo credits: NK

What are you wearing?

It seems that I cannot retire from political writing. The latest issue that has caught my (and the country's) attention is the Hijab Ban by the Karnataka Government. I believe that whatever could be said about the issue has already been said - either in courts of law or on news channels or in newspapers etc. Therefore, this post probably does not have anything new to offer. Even though I am a lawyer, I am not going into the legal niceties of the ban. 

Instead, I am going to present 3 arguments against the ban. This style is reminiscent of my college debating days and perhaps I would be able to do justice to my younger rebellious self.

1) Education is God

Universal education/literacy has been an illusive dream for India. The State has consistently made efforts to make school education attractive to parents and children. Primary education has been made free and compulsory. The State provides uniforms, books, materials etc. free of cost. No child is left behind. The schools also provide mid-day meals to ensure proper nutrition for the children and to incentivise parents to send their children to school. Particularly, for the girl child, the Central Government came out with the flagship program - Beti Bachao, Beti Padhao. We should also not forget that a school is a sanctuary for children, protecting them from child labour. Thus, education is the God of practical life - it protects, it nurtures, it propels and without it, we are utterly clueless. Thus, the State has always worked towards universal education by removing barriers and incentivising parents. The Hijab ban is a retrograde step - as it creates an impediment for certain children. They (and their families by implication) are compelled to choose between their personal/spiritual God and the God of practical life; a choice no child should be burdened with. Such a choice will only limit access to education. Thus, for this reason alone, there should not be a Hijab ban.

2) Anti-Hindu

The move has been touted as anti-minority - a specific attack on Muslims by a majority Hindu leaning BJP government. I am not getting into that. Whatever the motivations, in the long run, the move is potentially anti-Hindu. You will find various articles that would say that Hinduism is a way of life. Hinduism is all pervasive - it effects all aspects of your life. If you're an ardent Hindu, you will find that Hinduism has prescriptions regarding what to eat, what to wear, how to worship, who to befriend, who to marry etc. The Dharma Shastras cover almost the entire spectrum of life (and death and beyond). Because of this all pervasiveness, the public and the private life of a Hindu is determined (or at least affected) by her religion. 

Now, the ultimate goal of the Hijab ban is to create secular public places/spaces devoid of religious presence. While all of this looks great in imagination, it is almost impossible to achieve in India due to the pervasiveness of religion in our life.  Let me illustrate. You have today started with a head scarf. Tomorrow the argument could be that schools should not have holidays on religious festivals, as that is anti-secular. The argument could be extended to say that Hindus cannot wear yajnopavita or kada or rudraaksha to schools. It could further be extended to school uniforms as they stand today - Is shirt-pant Christian? Is salwar-suit Hindu or Muslim? Lets move to food - should mid-day meals contain eggs, as they have protein content and the dietary restrictions of the children be ignored? 

Morning assemblies of schools are also not immune to religious interference. I have heard morning assembly prayers of schools that contain requests to God for strength (among other things). Any student of the University of Delhi would attest that on Basant Panchmi, Goddess Saraswati is worshipped by students on University grounds. That will also have to stop. Holi also cannot be celebrated on Government college grounds. 

The purpose of the above is not to engage in whataboutery. It is meant to illustrate the pervasiveness of religion and the near impossible task of removing it from our public spaces. What will you retain? What will you remove? Where do you begin? Where do you stop?

I have said this before and I am repeating myself. I believe that India is at Nash equilibrium. To make someone better off, we always end up making someone worse off. There is a somewhat comfortable interference that religion has in our everyday life and there is a somewhat comfortable tolerance for it as well. The moment you stoke the fire of discomfort, there is a possibility of everything becoming uncomfortable.

And because Hinduism is a way of life, the stripping of activities (if done objectively) would effect them the most.

3) Better things to do

This is 2022. Don't we have better things to do? We are still battling a pandemic. I am certain there are more pressing things to read or write or legislate on. This year we celebrate 75 years of independence. Over this time, there has been much talk (and progress) on women empowerment, equal pay-equal work, Beti Bachao Beti Padhao et al. If after all this, we are back to deciding what young girls should wear to school, then it begs the question - What have we achieved? I mean, really? Kuch aur nahi hai kya karne ko?

Tilak and Dhoti Kurta - April 2016, Faculty of Arts, University of Delhi 

Quite distressing to imagine that there could be a ban on wearing this

[Photo credits: Aarti Kumar]

Basant Panchmi

Many years ago, I had written a poem on the occasion of Basant Panchmi. Today is also Basant Panchmi. So here is another composition to the Goddess. I pray that the Goddess grants the boon of विवेक (the ability to discriminate between true and false) to all of you.

क्षमा

रूठ गया था जग से,

उठ रहा था विश्वास तुम पर से,

पर आज क्षमा कर दें देवी,

नहीं दिख रही थी तुम्हारी छवी। (१)

तुम्हें सीमित कर दिया था पत्थर मे,

तुम तो थी प्रत्यक्ष, माँ के रूप मे,

पालन पोषण कर तुमने बडा किया,

डाट फटकार कर तुमने सीधा किया। (२)

अध्यापिका बन जगत ज्ञान कराया,

गुरू बन मोक्ष मार्ग दिखाया,

हर अक्षर है तुम्हारा आकार,

संपूर्ण उपलब्धि है तुम्हारा उपकार। (३)

सुहृद बन गुरू से मिलाया,

ज्ञान की किरण से अंधकार भगाया,

आरती मे सुन्दर साज़ सुनाया,

भक्त बन प्रेम करना सिखाया। (४)

पत्नी मे भी तुम ही समाई,

विभिन्न रागों कि पहचान करवाई,

साथ बिठा कर यज्ञ कराया,

मधुर स्वर मे भजन सुनाया। (५)

वकालत मे भी साथ न छोड़ा,

विपक्ष के तर्क को तुम ने तोड़ा,

सत्य ही प्रिय है, यह तुम्हारा ही आशीष है,

तुम ही सत्य हो, सारी हार मेरी है। (६)

 

वाक भी तो हो तुम,

हर कविता हर गीत है तुम्हारी धुन,

कहने को करता हूँ मैं अर्चना,

पर है तो सब कुछ तुम्हारी रचना! (७)

तुम हमेशा थी मेरे संग,

परंतु मैं न देख पाया तुम्हारे अनेक रंग,

मूढ ही रहा, भूल गया कि यह है माया,

तुम हो सब, मैं सिर्फ एक साया। (८)

पर आज क्षमा कर दें देवी,

और मान ले मेरी एक विनती,

प्रयास से दिखती हो दूसरों में,

अब दर्शन दे दो हृदय मे! (९)

*****

I was upset with the world, 

Was losing faith in You,

But, today, forgive me Devi,

I could not see Your reflection. (1)

I had limited You to stone,

You were in front of me, as my Mother,

You raised and nurtured me,

You scolded and corrected me. (2)

As my teacher, You gave me worldly knowledge,

As my Guru, You showed me the path to liberation,

Every alphabet is Your form,

All achievements are Your blessings. (3)

As a dear friend, You introduced me to my Guru,

As a ray of knowledge, You dissipated darkness,

As Aarti, You played many instruments,

As a devotee, You taught love. (4)

You are present even in my wife,

You helped me appreciate various Ragas,

You made me do Yagya,

You sang beautiful Bhajans. (5)

In advocacy, You did not abandon me,

You defeated arguments of the opponent,

It is Your blessings that Truth is dear (to me),

You are Truth, all defeat is mine. (6)

You also are voice,

All poems and songs are your tunes,

It appears that I make an offering (to You),

But everything is Your creation! (7)

You were always with me,

But I could not see your various forms,

I remained a fool, forgot that this is an illusion,

You are everything, I am only a reflection. (8)

But, today, forgive me Devi,

And agree to my one request,

With effort, I see You in others,

Now, let me see You in my heart! (9)

*****

Apologies for recycling the same photo :)

Born again

Never lose faith, you shall ascend;

In the darkness, the Moon will guide you.

2021 was a tough year for me. I know it to be tougher for others. This is to your determination.

The other night, when I could not sleep and when my mind was whirling with unnecessary thoughts, a rather interesting thought arose - Would I like to be born again? Would I like to repeat the life that I have led? Or would I like to came back, perhaps, in different circumstances?

My immediate answer was - No. That answer led to a consequential thought - If 'life' was not worth repeating, did that imply that 'life' was not 'worth it'? That unsettled me. Was my life really not 'worth it'? I sat up. Why did I feel that 'life' was not 'worth it'?

The answer was standard - life is a struggle, the world sorrowful. Shakespeare rightly said that the evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones. The same is true for life. When asked to assess our lives, our instinctive reaction would be to focus on the misery. Mostly, we are ingrates (at least I am).

However, even reasoned analysis would suggest that life contains a good amount of misery. In the  भगवद्गीता (Bhagwad Gita), भगवान कृष्ण (Bhagwan Krishna) describes the world as an abode of misery. (दुःखालय - Chapter 8 - Verse 15). In the womb, we face great pain. In the शिवापराध क्षमापन स्तोत्रम् (Shiv Apradh Kshamapan Stotra), भगवान आदि शंकराचार्य (Bhagwan Adi Shankaracharya) describes the misery faced by the baby in the womb, as she is placed between the digestive fire and bodily waste (Verse 1). Once out, we face all kinds of troubles. Life is an endless struggle. A battle against misery. In fact, in the गर्भोपनिषतद् (Garbhopanishad), it is said that in the womb, the baby remembers all her past lives and the collective misery and thereafter resolves to take refuge of the Lord when she comes out of the womb. The baby does not want to be born again. She also desires freedom from the continued misery. However, on birth, माया (Maya i.e.: ignorance) envelopes her and she forgets all her past lives and the associated misery. 

One would argue that life is also filled with brighter things. Some small - like seeing a peacock next to your car, or a rainbow when you're at the temple, or beautiful flowers lined by the side of the road. Some bigger - like finding love, or becoming a parent, or the presence of your Guru, or the comfort of a true friend. 

Thus, life is an ebb and flow of good and bad times - ये जीवन है, थोडे गम है, थोडी खुशियाँ. There is great contentment and happiness in accepting that there will be good times and that there will be bad times. But the initial question remains - Does that make life 'worth it'? Misery reduces the worthiness of a life. Even if one has to experience misery, there must be something good that must come out of it. Is that 'good' worth the misery? For this, we must know the 'good' that we are chasing. Because, to my mind, a lot of the misery is caused by our own indecisiveness and confusion regarding our wants. We don't know what we want. We don't know what we are working towards. There is no goal. There is no plan. There is misery.

12 years ago, in one of my regular sense of life posts, I had said life can't be a torture (that) we have to bear. Back then, I had hoped that all of us would find our purpose. After a decade, my thoughts are the same. Life can't be a torture.

Life must have meaning. A purpose. A drive. Perhaps, working towards that purpose would make life (and the misery associated with it) 'worth it'. The achievement of the purpose is not that important. What gives meaning to life is the continuous pursuit towards something. Bhagat Singh fought for independence and died for independence, but independence was not achieved in his lifetime. Even though the goal was not achieved, the life was meaningful. A life spent towards a goal is a meaningful life and that life is worth the misery. Imagine yourself looking back at the timeline of your life - would you say that you lived well? If the answer to that is yes, then life was worth it. Also, the joy is in the pursuit. Once the end is achieved, then what do you do? Therefore, never underestimate the journey.

It is can be quite tiresome to firstly, find purpose and then to pursue it with all your energies. But, what else can one do? If we don't continuously search and work towards the purpose, then life would be a waste (as misery was experienced without a goal). I hate waste. I hate wasting waste, that's why I make compost. Life is precious (which is different from worthy). We must also make it worthy.

You may ask me - Are all purposes created equal? Or are some purposes more equal than others? You should be concerned only about your purpose (स्वधर्म). For instance, I believe that my calling is to help others, to fight for justice and to bore you with my writing. These pursuits make life purposeful (for me). At the end of my life, if I have made reasonable progress towards these, I would feel a sense of contentment. Or at least I hope that I would! We don't know when life is going to end. Thus, the worth of our life must not be gauged only at the time of our death, but at any point in our life. We must never give up the pursuit.

So therefore, we have a purpose and we are working towards that purpose. We also have made peace with the fact that good and bad times go hand in hand. Now, you look at your life and you find that you worked very hard towards your goal and think that your life is somewhat worthy. Let me know ask - Would you like a second chance to do things better? My instinctive answer would be - Yes. All actions are imperfect and therefore there is always a scope for improvement.  

And hence the world will never truly satisfy us. In the post linked above (and many others), I have advocated that this world cannot satisfy us. No world has the capacity to make us happy. No amount of second chances will make us happy. We will keep desiring to come back. To achieve a little more of this world. We will forget the (earlier) misery and come back for more (misery). Come back and again examine these issues of purpose of life.

This is why, the भज गोविन्दं (Bhaja Govindam) says:

पुनरपि जननं पुनरपि मरणं

पुनरपि जननीजठरे शयनम् ।

इह संसारे बहुदुस्तारे

कृपयाऽपारे पाहि मुरारे ॥ २१॥ 

Again birth, again death and again lying in mother's womb - this samsara process is very hard to cross over. Save me, Murari (O destroyer of Mura) through Thy infinite kindness.

[Translation by Swami Chinmayananda]

In this light, the desire to not be born again is a positive idea. The positivity is driven from the desire to end misery once and for all, rather than escaping misery. When I said that I didn't want to be born again, I basically meant that the misery was too much to bear. Escaping misery is not a solution to misery. Thus, finding purpose and meaning in life helps deal with misery. But it will not end it. 

Then, what will?

मोक्ष (Liberation) promises दुःख की निवृत्ति और निरतिशय सुख की प्राप्ति (the cessation of misery and the realisation of unparalleled happiness). This state is not in heaven, but here and now. It is also not contingent on the achievement of any object, but it is to be realised in the heart cavity (हृदय गुहायाम्).

We must hasten slowly towards मोक्ष (Liberation) - one step at a time. But until then, we don't have to let our depressions suck us. There are going to be imperfections. Like I said before, all action is imperfect. Still, we must act. We must move towards our goal. There will be bad times. There will be failure. But we don't have to suffer. There is much joy in life - in the small and big things. We just have to recognise. We have to be grateful for what we have. We have to march forward. 

Onwards and forwards - to make life worth repeating, but to not repeat it.

ॐ

Zindagi Kuch Toh Bata (Reprise) - Jubin Nautiyal

Jeete Hain Chal - Kavita Seth

Photo Credits: Mokshi