2022

Over the past few days, I have been trying to write this post. But something or the other (read- laziness) prevented me from starting it. 

2022 has been an incredible year. I can't believe the many things that happened this year.

We just heard this song and I thought it captured my feelings accurately. Despite the tough times, indeed, what a wonderful world! God is kind, we just need to attune ourselves to see His kindness. He is always smiling at us. His image instantly calms us. Even when He is mischievous, He continues to be adorable. 

Happy New Year!

May Krishna bless us all!

Fleeting

I am writing fiction after a long time, so forgive.

S was driving and V was sitting on the passenger side. They had just had a sumptuous meal in one of the new organic farm restaurants that had cropped up on the outskirts of the city. V was always skeptical of these new fads and felt that the food was quite the same, except for the hype and the exorbitant prices. On the other hand, S embraced the naturalness of it all - the fresh produce, the intimate connection with the earth, the dinning in open areas et al. Clearly, in these matters, S was the hippie and V was the Grinch.

It had been raining all day, sometimes intense and sometimes as soft as mist blowing from a fan. S loved monsoon and waited for it all year. It was only fortuitous that it was raining. Following Google Maps' guidance, S turned towards a side lane, instead of the main wide road. S had an uneasy relationship with Google Maps. Sometimes, it helped S reach the destination in time. On other occasions, it took S to unknown roads that ended abruptly. S didn't know what to do - trust or not trust. S was with V and it was better to simply follow, as against hurling curses at artificial intelligence. 

Surprisingly, the road was fine and in fact prettier. It was lined with trees on both the sides. As they were driving through the tree lined road, raindrops softly fell on the car windshield. They were talking about something which, at that time, was of consequence. Suddenly, Spotify played Meri Jaan by Jubin Nautiyal (composed by Shashwat Sachdev). This was one of S' favourite songs. 

"I sent you this months ago! Did you listen?" S asked V.

"Oh...umm...sorry" said V embarrassingly.

"USELESS!!!" exclaimed S.

V didn't know how to react to S' outbursts. Silence was the best strategy.

"Now I am playing it again, listen carefully!" ordered S.

As the tunes played, the raindrops continued to fall. V rolled down the window and let the raindrops fall on the face, wind blowing through the hair. S loved co-passengers enjoying the drive. The protective aura of the trees transported them into a world of their own - where it was just them, the soft raindrops and the song.

S continued to sing along with the singer, though quite awfully. It did not matter whether the singing was even remotely close to the notes. What mattered was the joy that came from freely expressing. S always enjoyed freedom.

"This is the best part!" said S.

The singing talents of Jubin Nautiyal were surprisingly replaced by a famous Hindustani Classical Kajri that celebrates rain - Barsan Lagi Badariyan. It lasted only for a few seconds - just as spotting a beautiful bird perched on a tree, who flies away, as soon as it is spotted. A micro second's silence and immediately the song came back to Jubin. 

After a few minutes, they reached V's destination. S stopped the car and turned to V.

"Next time - visit sooner!" S said, in a rather demanding way.

V didn't commit and simply smiled. They hugged awkwardly in the car and V got out.

S looked at V walking away. Something told S that this was it. Somethings in life are like this only - fleeting. They come - when we least expect them or even not expect them at all! And soon enough, they also leave. No matter how much we wish, pray or hope, all things come and fade away at His will. Sometimes, they come back only to leave again. 

S had an epiphany, which also come at the oddest times. S thought - perhaps, it would be wiser to embrace reality, as it is, instead of holding on to an imagined perfection. S was now looking at the road in front. S drove on, hoping that the pain of parting was, like much else, also fleeting.

*

Moment in the Sun 🌧☀️ 🌈

Song : Moment in the Sun - Sunflower Bean

I usually don't blog about the TV that I watch, but I recently saw the Netflix Series - Heartstopper. Immediately after watching the series, I read the graphic novels by Alice Oseman. It was quite comforting to watch and read.

I am not going to disclose what the series is about - so no spoilers here. But if you've ever dealt with being alone, bullying, mental health, problems with love, self-harm, identifying your sexuality or personality or just finding yourself, then the series is for you. I have dealt with some of this in my life. I am still dealing with it, as some of these things do not go away easily (as Ms. Oseman rightly says in the book).

The series came at an opportune time in my life. It wasn't as if the series cured anything. I doubt that any book or series can ever do that. These can only comfort or guide. The hard work has to be done by us. I think I had been doing some hard work and when the series came along, it all seemed to culminate. I was quite happy after I saw the series. Almost relieved, I think.

During school and sometime afterwards, I was conscious of my voice. I had (or have?) some effeminate characteristics. People made fun, but it never bothered me. In fact, if anything, it only propelled me to excel. But I guess, it was always there at the back of mind. I mostly had (or have?) female friends. I am not the usual macho. But, I still remember what a dear friend of mine told me in college - Rohan, you're more man than most men! I really appreciated what she said, though I didn't fully understand what she meant. I think I do now, though there is no way to check. It's also quite incredible that I decided to take up a profession that focussed on my ability to speak!

I don't recollect trying to change because that would not be honest. But I suppose I always pushed it away and focussed on the tasks at hand. Another dear friend of mine warned me - Rohan if you keep pushing things away, then life is going to hit you like a train. She was right. There was much that I had not unpacked and it suddenly started to pop out - like a champagne bottle (the cheap spilling one). 

I spoke with a therapist, albeit only once. I realised that I had to recognise what is/was going on and then practically do what I could do. If you read this post last year, you would see that I was trying to be a better me. I realised that if I didn't recognise myself and kept suppressing things, then it would be difficult to lead a satisfying life. And after watching the series, the Rohan inside me said - You're okay. There's nothing to stress about. Everything is fine. It was the perfect conclusion. Incidentally, through the great efforts of another friend of mine, I was hearing short discourses on Chapter 2 of the Bhagwad Gita. Verse 14 struck a chord. It furthered my belief that all is okay, all will be okay.

I am not an emotional person (in the usual sense). I can be quite insensitive, especially with my jokes. The series touched the emotional part of me and made me realise that my life was overfilled with people that loved me. Reminded me of what a close friend once said - Rohan, you are blessed to have been loved by so many people. 

She was right (again). I would have gone totally insane if I hadn't been blessed with the immense love and care from my Mum, my Guru, my brother and his family, my entire family, my dear and loving friends, my teachers, my colleagues and of course, from my Heartstopper (She endured a lot). It's important to have a support system.

The series doesn't touch upon God, but He is integral to my life. And I realised that I had to be confident of myself for my spiritual journey. He accepts anyone who loves Him. I thought I loved Him, but I didn't quite feel it. My devotion was dry, without rasa. As cheesy as it may sound, unless I accepted myself,  there was no way I could truly love God. I think the upshot of all this is that I can feel His love now because when you're confident of yourself, then you can be confident that God is there. It's like what Maharaji says in Vedanta and Unitary Consciousness, we must have faith in our own self.

This blog has seen many things in my life. I think I hit a watershed moment in my life and it was important to share it here. I realised that the built up stress was also because I had stopped writing about myself. I think I had become conscious. I am glad that at 31 (as late as that is!), I am less worried about this. 

Watch/read the series, if you can. Love will not cure everything. We have to put in the hard work. But love can support the hard work. And sometimes, actually most times, that's all we need. 

Photo Credits: Mokshi