Being 30

Song: Maithreem Bhajata by M. S. Subbulakshmi

Recently, I turned 30. It's a milestone birthday. Anyone who knows me, knows that the number 13 is special to me. Thus, it is only appropriate that when I turned 30 (the phonetic cousin of 13), that I write something that merges both. And so, in this post I will list down 13 meditations for the 30 year old (though to be honest, it works for all ages). I must be candid. I am not an authority to give meditations or any advice for that matter. But you know I am preachy.

I have tried to practice some of these (especially recently) and I have found them to be quite 'free-ing'. My friends would testify that my preaching here is not truly practiced by me. But I am trying.

All of us are complex beings with multiple facets to our personality. We have bondages and quirks that we aren't even aware of. At 30, I felt that there was a need to 'unlearn'. To let go of the past impressions and ideas and in a sense to start anew. 

I hope that you will find them useful as well. These may sound repetitive, but I had to complete the count of 13! :P

1. Forgive (yourself): To err is human. The reality of life is that mistakes happen. We are not all-knowing and often we make judgment errors. Sometimes these errors cause material discomfort (such as loss of money, property etc.) and at other times they cause emotional discomfort (such as a heartbreak, regret etc.). It's okay. Hota hai. More often than not, we think we are doing the right thing and in hindsight think otherwise. Koi baat nahi. Forgive yourself. Accept and own up that you made a mistake and that you were in the wrong. If it can be remedied, pursue that. If someone has been wronged, apologise to them. Koi tumhari ego/self respect kum nahi hogi. In any event, close your eyes, see your actions objectively and forgive yourself. Sometimes I say this to myself - "Koi baat nahi Rohan, abh ho gayi galti, abh bas jo kar skate ho woh karo!" Don't live in the shame of your errors. Live in the prospect of your wondrous capability.
   
   
2. Forgive (others): If you can err, so can others. Readily forgive. In the Netflix series Love, Mickey tells Gus that resentment is like holding hot coal - in the end, only the person resenting will burn. They may or may not have asked for your forgiveness, but that is immaterial. Holding a grudge will not solve anything. Instead, it will only remind you of the pain. Let it go. How? Close your eyes. Think of the person that you believe wronged you. Now try and think of their side of the story. Perhaps, they were going through a bad time/day. Perhaps, they were acting out of some childish obsession. Now, ask yourself, if you've seen this kind of behaviour in yourself. It is quite likely that you have - perhaps in a different degree. Forgive them - at some point, you have probably committed the same mistake. If you see yourself in them, forgiveness will come naturally.
   
   
3. Identify (yourself): I think this is by far the most important. Identify yourself - with all your curves and edges, without any moral or pre-conceived lens. You have to see yourself for who you are. [I am not referring to the Infinite Self, but the mash-up of mind and intellect]. It is truly liberating when you are honest with yourself (be honest with others also). Sit in a quiet place and close your eyes. Let the thoughts come. Examine each of them. Enquire from yourself why a particular thought is coming. Trust me, you will find the answers. The naked self frees you, as you have now understood yourself and your feelings. In the movie Call me by your name, Elio's father says - "We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster, that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new." Don't bury yourself or your emotions. Examine them. Feel them. You will be more free if you do that vis-a-vis simply burying them. In knowledge lies quietude. It may take multiple sessions of 45-60 minutes to do this. I have tried it and I have benefitted. Knowing yourself frees you.
   
   
4. Judge (not): Once you have identified yourself, accept others for who they are. Don't judge others for their actions. Don't hold them in contempt. We hardly understand ourselves and our actions. In that background, it is futile to even attempt to understand someone else. We don't know what they are going through (or went through). Who are we to pass judgment on others? Free your mind from the clutter of these judgments. Imagine yourself as the all encompassing space. It accommodates everyone. You can too.
   
   
5. (Be) Compassionate: The world has much misery and needs much compassion. Donate. Help others. Take out time to serve the world. Selfless action is meditation. There is no dearth of opportunity. Remember - Aur bhi dukh hai zamaane mai mohabbat ke siwa, aur bhi raahatein hai vasl ki raahat ke siwa.
   
   
6. Reflect (a lot): Building on # 3, spend a little time with yourself everyday. Without the phone. Without the company of others. Listen to your mind and thoughts - they will bring forth matters that are bothering them. Once you know what is bothering you, you can attempt to untangle it. The mind and intellect work very hard and are your most precious tools. Give them attention. In my experience, great clarity comes when time is spent with one's own thoughts.
   
   
7. (Go) Crazy: Live. Be crazy. Sometimes a little craziness also frees you. Like dyeing your hair. Or shaving your hair (anywhere!). Or dancing on the street (or alone in your room). Or bathing in the rain. Or having 'brownies'! It is important to occasionally do uncharacteristic things, as they help you identify your character. Don't be like me, saying NO all the time! Sometimes, say yes.
   
   
8. Love (yourself): Take care of yourself. Don't wait around for someone else to take care of you. If you want balloons on your birthday, buy them - don't wait for your best friend to throw a surprise birthday party. If you want a bachelors party, organise it. If you want to go on a trek, go. Pamper yourself. You can't live your life contingent on others. Take out time for yourself for doing things you like to do. It will keep you sane (and thus free). In the same spirit, your sense of self-worth/respect must come from yourself. It cannot be contingent on fulfilling the (un)realistic expectations of someone else. It feels good when we impress others. But, to my mind, true satisfaction comes when we have impressed ourselves. 
   
   
9. Love (others): A dear friend of mine remarked that the human heart has infinite capacity to love. It took sometime to wrap my head around this, but now I agree. We are loving beings. Our love is not meant to be rationed. It is meant to flow from us to the world. Imagine our love to be the baad-e-nau-bahaar, the roses to be other persons and the rose fields to be the world. Just like the gulshan ka karobar continues because of the baad-e-nau-bahaar, in the same way, the world sustains through love (To understand this reference, see Faiz Ahmad Faiz's ghazal - Gulon Mein Rang Bhare). Each time we act, we have a choice i.e.: to act out of a place of love. Make that choice. Act out of love, kindness and respect. Don't be mean. Don't be hurtful. Don't say harsh words. They are as human (and thus flawed) as you are.
   
   
10. Let it be: Somethings can't be changed. We control very little in the world. In fact, one could argue that we control nothing. So focus less on the results/outcomes. Focus on your actions (and reactions). That we can control. The universe's response - you let that be. Rejecting the universe's reaction isn't going to change it - that's denial. In the same spirit, lower your expectations. Everyone is already burdened by their own expectations. They do not need the burden of your expectations as well. Imagine if you were under the pressure of fulfilling everyone's expectations and impress them - How would that feel? You won't like that and so nobody else does either.
    
    
11. Compare (lesser): Don't compare yourself to others. All of us are unique. All our circumstances are different. Our upbringings are different. Our backgrounds are different. No comparison will ever be accurate. However, compare (and not compete) yourself to your previous versions. See your changes. Reflect on the journey of your life. You have seen so much, endured so much. Spend some quiet time reflecting on the journey of your life and it will give you much clarity on the journey ahead. 
    
    
12. Speak (carefully): Gossip less! Measure your words carefully - they can hurt. I have learnt it the hard way that even jokes can hurt. So don't say hurtful things, no matter how much you are hurting. You never know when your words will come true, so speak carefully.
    
    
13. Relax: Theek hai yaar. Ho jaayega sabh. Ek do saal late ho jaayega, expectation se thoda kum hoga. Thodi haar hogi. Thodi jeet hogi. Koi baat nahi. Duniya nahi khatam ho jaayegi. Roz roz ka stress lene se acha thoda kum mile, woh theek hai. Fir at least jo mila hai usko toh enjoy kar paaoge. Take a chill brownie or ice cream or payasam. Relax. Relax your goals/timelines, if it's becoming stressful/too much. Relax your do's and don't/rules, if they feel like a heavy burden - including those above (don't do anything illegal though). And smile more! I have found that when you physically smile, the heart smiles too. A smile goes a long way in dissipating our troubles.

I am trying to be a better 30 year old. Hopefully, I will be. I wouldn't have been here and this post won't have been possible without the love and support of my family (especially Mum), teachers and friends. 

Thanks to them!! Cheers to them! This is dedicated to them :)

2014, Durham

PS: Some of the ideas may seem similar to School of Life videos. I watch them often and find them to be very helpful.

A Birthday Playlist

Those close to me know that Janamasthmi is special to me. This blog has seen multiple posts on the occasion of Janamasthmi. In 2011, I even described it as the best day of my life. In 2015, I wrote about various writings on Bhagwan Shri Krishna.

So what do I have to offer in 2021? This year, I have curated a playlist of my favourite Shri Krishna bhajans. I cannot sing for you, but I can certainly share good compositions with you. I wish I could sing beautifully for God. I am somewhat lethargically pretending to learn. Maybe one day I will manage to sing.

Until then, in no particular order:

1. Madhurashtakam by Dr. Subhadra Desai sung in a Raga Maala i.e.: the Raga changes after 2 verses. The rendering of the fifth and sixth verses in Raga Yaman are my favourite.
2. Jamuna Kinaare Mora Gaon by Pt. Mukul Shivputra. I love the part when it says - मली मली के स्नान कराओं
3. Kaun Gali Gayo Shyam by Dr. Prabha Atre. I have heard this countless times and even today when I hear it, I can intensely feel the longing for Krishna.
4. Krishna Nee Begane by Aruna Sairam. This bhajan is in Kannada. This rendition was apparently sung live at India Gate. It have heard it so many times that I have started to pick up the Kannada!
5. Mharo Pranam by Kishori Amonkar. This is a classic. Meera's love for Krishna is unparalleled. We shy away from making the smallest sacrifices for God, and here was Meera, who sacrificed everything!
6. Govind Damodar Madhaveti by Pt. Jasraj. Sometimes when I want to feel enthused with energy, I play this on my way to work. It's so powerful!
7. Aage Krishna Paachhe Krishna by Mokshi Sethi. Everywhere I see, there is Krishna - what an amazing feeling. Close your eyes and imagine there is Krishna in front of you and see how your heart reacts. Now, think if He was everywhere you looked.
8. Om Namo Bhagavate by Pt. Sanjeev Abhyankar. I have had the good fortune of hearing this live. It was surreal - almost trance like. The rare times when you are totally lost in the music.
9. Bhaja Govindam by M.S. Subbulakshmi. I am true Vedanti and so this has to feature here. You have seen Bhaja Govindam references innumerable times. Bhaja Govindam! Bhaja Govindam!
10. Mana Mohan Shyam by Dr. Ashwini Bhide Deshpande. I heard this only last week and it instantly became special to me. Ashwini ji has such a unique way of singing.
11. Manmohan Man Mein Ho Tumhi by Mohd. Rafi and Suman Kalyanpur. I came across this when listening to the radio. Sometimes radio really surprises you. What an incredible find!

I hope you like these. Here is the link to the entire playlist.

May Krishna always be with you.

The Beloved Self

The other morning, while commuting to work, I heard the song Laila Laila from the movie Andhadhun. The words that caught my attention were मेरे दिल के, दिल के, दिल के भी दिल मे है तु. Translated it is - You are in the heart of the heart of the heart of my heart. The words are spoken by a lover to his beloved.

These words reminded me of a beautiful imagery that is described in the Kathopanishad (Verse 12, Valli 1, Chapter 2):

अङ्गुष्ठमात्रः पुरुषो मध्य आत्मनि तिष्ठति ।

ईशानं भूतभव्यस्य न ततो विजुगुप्सते । एतद्वै तत् ॥ १२॥

12. The Being (Purusha), of the size of the thumb, resides in the body. 

Knowing Him as the ruler of the past and the future, one does not want, by virtue of that knowledge, to save the Self. This indeed is that.

[Translation by Swami Gambhirananda]

The commentary by Bhagwan Adi Shankaracharya, as explained in the texts and discourses of spiritual masters, on the above verse describes the imagery. The Self (i.e.: God) is declared to be residing in the middle of the (gross) body. This 'middle' is found roughly 10 fingers above the navel (i.e.: close to the biological heart). The heart area is in the shape of a lotus (हृदयपुण्डरीकं). The size of the heart space is equivalent to first joint of the right hand thumb (अङ्गुष्ठमात्रः). Within the lotus heart, there is an opening (छिद्र). In that opening, lies the internal organ or seat of thinking and feeling (अन्तःकरण - unfortunately, there is no adequate word for this in English and the word 'internal organ' is used in this post. In Swami Harshananda's A Dictionary of Advaita Vedanta, it is defined as - it is the internal organ or instrument by which we experience thinking, feeling and willing and are able to remember things. Though sometimes loosely called as mind (manas) or intellect (buddhi), it is more basic, of which these two are only aspects. Citta (mind-stuff) and ahankara (egoism) are two more aspects, making four in all). The Self is said to reside in this internal organ and Its presence is experienced when the internal organ is quiet/at peace (शांत).

The verse describes a method of mediation with the heart space as the focus area. There are multiple layers in the mediation (i.e.: the gross body to the heart to the opening to the internal organ), just like the aforementioned song. In both the situations, the layers are described to indicate the idea of the innermost i.e.: the beloved and the Self are the innermost.

But, why the heart? Why not the legs, hands, liver, eyes etc.? Biologically, the heart is the foremost organ and its cessation is closely linked with death. Quite apart from that, it is also the seat of emotions (as this is where the mind, an aspect of the internal organ, is said to reside). This is not just a philosophical idea, but a lived experience, as this is where the pain is actually felt. The heart space is also the place where the presence of the Self is more easily experienced. Try it. Try focussing on the heart space and you will feel a sense of peace and calm. In fact, there is an entire movement called Heartfulness.

Thus, the importance of the heart in love.

[Some of you may remember the reference to the heart cavity in an earlier post, where also a verse from the Kathopanishad was mentioned. As you would have guessed, I am currently listening to the discourses on the Kathopanishad from Swamiji. The above explanation of the verse is also drawn from Swami Maheshananda Giri ji's commentary on the Kathopanishad. 

The Upanishads are replete with references about the Self residing in the heart. Perhaps, one day, I will compile them all. Who knows - maybe that's the book I will finally end up writing. For the moment, I will only say that a similar reference also appears in the Svetasvatara Upanishad- see Verse 13, Chapter 3.]

I was also reminded of another Shloka from Kenopanishad (Verse 2, Part 1). Over there, Brahman is described as the ear of the ear, the eye of the eye etc.:

श्रोत्रस्य श्रोत्रं मनसो मनो यद्

    वाचो ह वाचं स उ प्राणस्य प्राणः ।

चक्षुषश्चक्षुरतिमुच्य धीराः

    प्रेत्यास्माल्लोकादमृता भवन्ति ॥ २॥

2. Since He is the Ear of the ear, the Mind of the mind, the Speech of the speech, the Life of the life, and the Eye of the eye, therefore the intelligent men after giving up (the self identification with the senses) and renouncing this world, become immortal.

[Translation by Swami Gambhirananda]

The song mentioned above also employs similar phraseology, where the residence of the beloved is described in the heart of the heart etc. In the above verse, the Ultimate is described as that which enables the ear to hear, the mind to feel, the speech to speak, the eye to see etc. In that sense, the Self is the director of everything. In the words of Swami Gambhirananda - "There does exist something which is known to the intellect of men of realisation, which dwells in the inmost recess of all, which is changeless, undecaying, immortal, fearless, and unborn, and which the Ear etc. of even the ear etc., i.e.: the source of their capacity to act." Thus, once again, the addition of degrees is aimed at conveying the idea of the innermost.

I am reminded of two Bhajans that also mention the indwelling Self. The first one is a Kabir Bhajan - Haman Hai Ishq-e-Mastana, Haman Ko Hoshiyari Kya. The Bhajan has been beautifully sung by Pt. Madhup Mudgal ji. Do listen - it also has line by line translation. The following verses are relevant to our discussion here:

जो बिछुड़े हैं पियारे से,

भटकते दर-ब-दर फिरते

हमारा यार है हम में

हमन को  इंतजारी क्या?

Those who are separated from their Beloved, wander from place to place

My Friend is in me, why do I need to wait for Him?

The Bhajan emphatically states that God is the Beloved. It also reiterates that God/Brahman is most conveniently experienced within us. The Beloved that we seek can never be separated from us.

As I write this, I am also reminded of another Kabir Bhajan (which was originally not contemplated in this post)- Ik dui hoy unhain samujhavaun. This one has been sung by Ashwini Bhide Deshpande ji. The feelings invoked in this Bhajan are quite different from the previous one. While the former conveys feelings of love, this one conveys feelings of dispassion (वैराग्य) and the utter blindness of the world. The relevant verse is:

घर की वस्तु नजर नहि आवत,

दियना बारि के ढूँढत अन्धा

The Thing inside the house, one does not see

Lights a lamp and searches blindly outside

The inside and outside here are with reference to the gross body (described as the house). It describes our endless search for things in the external and material world, when in fact, the most precious Thing is inside us. A word of caution regarding inside/outside. By stating that God is inside, it does not imply that He is not outside. He is more conveniently experienced inside. Also, it should be borne in mind that the more subtle an object, the more vast it is. The more gross an object, the more limited it is. Thus, despite It being the innermost and subtler than the subtlest, it is by far the most vast.

The other Bhajan, which my wife beautifully sang last year during the lockdown, is Bheetar hai sakha, tera sakha. The chorus of the Bhajan is:

भीतर है सखा तेरा सखा मन लगा के देख ,

अंतःकरण में ज्ञान की ज्योति जला के देख |

Your Friend is within, focus your mind and see (just try),

Light the lamp of knowledge in the internal organ and see (just try).

The reference to the Friend here is to the Self/Brahman/God. The message of the Bhajan is - just try and focus your mind and you shall experience It. Once again, It is within. Look within.

The reference to the Lord residing within us also comes in the last verse of the Bhaja Govindam. In this verse, Bhagwan Adi Shankaracharya blesses all his students, that they may be able to discipline their sense organs and mind and thus become liberated:

गुरुचरणाम्बुजनिर्भरभक्तः

संसारादचिराद्भव मुक्तः ।

सेन्द्रियमानसनियमादेवं

द्रक्ष्यसि निजहृदयस्थं देवम् ॥ ३१॥ 

31. O Devotee of the lotus feet of the teacher! May you become liberated soon from the samsara through the discipline of the sense organs and the mind. You will come to experience (behold) the Lord that dwells in your own heart.

[Translation by Swami Chinmayananda]

In the end, I would like to mention one last verse from the Guru Geeta that is found in the Skanda Purana. In this verse, Lord Mahadeva (Shiva) addresses Goddess Parvati and says to her:

मम रूपासि देवि त्वमतस्तत्कथयामि ते ।

लोकोपकारकः प्रश्नो न केनापि कृतः पुरा ॥ 

O Parvati, You are My very Self. For your satisfaction I shall tell you (what you have requested Me to say). Your question was put with a view to doing good to all; no one else has put it to Me so far.

[Translation by Prof. J. N. Sharma]

The above verse brings us back to Laila Laila. In the song, the lover says that his beloved resides in the heart of the heart etc. We saw above that the Self also lies within the heart of the heart etc. and is the innermost. Thus, the beloved and the Self occupy the same lotus heart space. The Bhajans make it clear that the Self is the Friend and the Beloved. And, finally, here is Lord Mahadeva addressing Goddess Parvati as His very Self.  Thus, stand united the beloved and the Self.

May you and your beloved always be with the Self.

Hari Om Tat Sat

[Painting by Mokshi Sethi]