To all the Mothers who supported us in this wonderful journey.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you.
Almost a year ago, we were blessed with a baby girl. Apologies for the late announcement. As you can imagine, life has been busy. Without a doubt, a child permanently changes your perspectives and priorities (for the better). In this post, I will share my experience and why I feel that parenthood is a deeply spiritual experience. To my mind, parenthood brings us a step closer to realising the Ultimate.
1) The world is your family
One of the stark changes in my perspectives was with respect to other children/babies. Now. whenever I see babies/children, I think of my daughter. If the baby/child is younger than her, I fondly think of the time I spent with her (time does fly). If the child is older, then I think of the wonderful time that is to come - that one day, she will also run around, eat on her own, say silly things, and ask questions which we won’t know how to answer.
There is a type of same-sightedness with respect to children/babies. This same-sightedness is associated with the deep love and connection that one has with their child. My love for her makes me see her everywhere.
In Verse 29, Chapter 6 of the Bhagavad Gita, Bhagawan Sri Krishna says:
सर्वभूतस्थमात्मानं सर्वभूतानि चात्मनि ।
ईक्षते योगयुक्तात्मा सर्वत्र समदर्शनः ॥ ६-२९॥
6.29 One whose mind has attained purity through Yoga, who has the vision of sameness everywhere, sees his Self existing in all things, all things in his Self.
[Translation by Swami Gambhirananda ji]
Bhagwan speaks of a mind that is purified and such a person sees his Self in all things, and all things in his Self. I felt that parenthood allowed me to see my child in all children. My daughter awakened in me a love for her, and also a love for all children. She purified my mind and developed a sense of sameness in me. This made me realise that it was possible to love everyone and to see the world as your family.
2) You are not this body
Having a child also gave me a greater sense of empathy. So whenever I see children, who are in unfortunate circumstances, I cannot help but feel - what if that was my daughter? There’s probably not much I can do about the inequality in society but I try to do whatever I think may remedy the situation or at least quell these uneasy feelings. I feel scared and heartbroken imagining that it could be my child.
The pain that children endure is really felt by their parents. When our daughter was unwell, we were also out of sorts and worried for her. Perhaps, it was our मोह or just new parent anxieties. Either way, it reminded me of the time when we studied वेदान्तसार. In Para 123 of the text, it is stated as follows:
अतिप्राकृतस्तु “आत्मा वै जायते पुत्रः” इत्यादिश्रुतेः स्वस्मिन्निव
पुत्रेऽपि प्रेमदर्शनात्पुत्रे पुष्टे नष्टे चाहमेव पुष्टो नष्टश्चेत्याद्यनुभवाच्च
पुत्र आत्मेति वदति ॥ १२३॥
123. (Thus for example) an extremely deluded man speaks of his son as his own Self, on account of such Sruti passages as, “Verily the Self is born as the son,” owing also to the fact that one loves one’s son as one’s own Self, and further because of the experience that one feels oneself prosperous or ruined according as one’s son fares well or ill.
[Translation by Swami Nikhilananda ji]
We were very young when we studied this text. At that time, it seemed quite unbelievable that a person could identify themselves with their child to the extent that the child’s pain would become their pain. When I became a father, I realised that it is the most obvious feeling.
I could feel pain, even though it was not my body that was going through the illness. According to Vedanta, identifying the Self with the child is a delusion. Yet, to my mind, it is still useful, because it takes you away from a much stronger delusion, that is, the Self is the gross body.
3) Money is necessary, but it’s not everything
The love for my child also altered my priorities and understanding of work and career. While I enjoy my profession, I have increasingly come to realise that the chase for success and growth is endless. No matter how much we achieve, there will still be more to go. And no matter how much money or power we have, it will not be enough; we will still want ‘a little more’. So, I realised that, at some level, I have to draw the line. All my time can’t be consumed by work and career. There are other greater and more important things in my life. My family and my darling daughter deserve more time from me. Of course, when we don’t give our whole time to work, something at work will suffer. But that’s okay. It’s a cost worth absorbing.
While we are talking about work, there is another important realisation that I would like to share. Prior to pursuing my passion for law, I was working with a multinational consulting firm. Sometimes, I wondered - what if I had continued to work at the firm? I would have travelled well, earned well, clocked in air miles and hotel reward points etc. Recently, I took up an assignment which involved frequent travel. I got the chance to fly frequently, stay in fancy hotels etc. - all the things which I had left and yet craved for. But strangely, it didn’t feel as glamorous as it used to feel (in my head). While I was travelling for work, the hotel room was the most boring place on Earth. There was no one. Somedays, I would even eat alone. No baby, no family, no ghiya, tori, tinda. It dawned on me that no amount of air miles, hotel reward points or credit card bonus points can compensate for spending time away from your loved ones. Monetary gains are fabulous and they greatly take care of our needs. But when you are blessed with a bundle of joy, then money becomes less exciting.
4) It’s a lot of work
Parenting requires you to give a lot. It takes immense hard work, time, and effort to raise a child. It is often said that it takes a village to raise a baby. It is true - you need all the help to raise a child. Therefore, ask for it. Don’t hesitate.
Parenting made me realise the great importance of joint families and having grandparents around. Living with family makes raising children much easier on the parents. Needless to say, the actual appreciation for your parents comes only when you become one.
One of your tasks as a parent is to teach the child. A baby is born with some innate skills/impressions from previous lives. However, to function effectively in the world, the child needs to learn several motor skills, language abilities, emotional skills etc. Much of this responsibility falls on the parents. I realised that to teach my child, I had to first become a student. So, if I wanted my child to hear Sanskrit rhymes, I needed to learn them first. If I wanted my child to eat healthy, I had to ensure that the cooking was healthy. If I wanted my child to be away from the screen, then I had to switch off the TV and cut back on my screen time. Children are curious learners. They will imitate you. We all want our children to be better than us. For that to happen, we need to be better. Therefore, parenting involves self-work as well.
But, trust me, it is worth it. When your child smiles for no apparent reason, the joy that blossoms in your heart - nothing compares to that. [Sometimes, I feel we should be more like children and smile without any reason, at least, the wrinkles will get delayed!]
There were times, when in the wee hours of the morning, I would rock my daughter to sleep. I would do so standing in front of the image of God and singing stotras to her. It was deeply exhausting, as I would be sleepy, and would have to go to court in a couple of hours. Yet, that quiet moment with God and her blessing is something I would cherish my whole life. For her, I would do it everyday.
5) Everything is temporary
This brings me to another thought about parenthood. In October last year, I attended a lecture by Smt. Jaya Row ji on Chapter 2 of the Bhagavad Gita. I have been listening to her lectures for many years now. She said a very interesting thing that day. She said - No matter how much you love someone or how much they love you, our journey in this world will end alone. We can’t take them with us and they can’t take us with them. If you asked your spouse - “Would you come along with me, when I die?”, then your spouse would probably not answer that question and just ask you to not talk of depressing matters and nonsensical suggestions. Equally, if my spouse were to ask me this…really, nobody is going to agree to this. But that does not make their love any less. The reality is that their (and our) love is for here and now only. It is, for all practical purposes, temporary. At some stage, we will have to let it go. The same will be for our children. No matter how much we love them, how close we are to them, and how much we dote on them; in the end, our spiritual journey is only ours to make.
This reminded me of a shloka from the कैवल्य उपनिषद् (Kaivalya Upanishad) -
तस्मै स होवाच पितामहश्च श्रद्धाभक्तिध्यानयोगादवैहि ।
न कर्मणा न प्रजया धनेन त्यागेनैके अमृतत्वमानशुः ॥२॥
2. And to him, the Grandsire (Brahma) said, Know (this) by means of faith, devotion, and meditation. Not by work, nor by progeny, nor by wealth, but by renunciation, some attained immortality.
[Translation by Advaita Ashram]
My daughter has made me a better person. She has helped me develop a greater sense of empathy. She has taught me selfless work. She has brought me closer to God. She has taught me that work and wealth are not everything.
Yet, even progeny is temporary. Swami Chinmayananda ji used to repeatedly say - “Remember, even this will pass away!” The Permanent can be known only through faith, devotion, and meditation and through renunciation.
In my undergraduate days, I was a rebel without a cause and I had sworn that I would never marry or have children. Now, I realise the importance of a companion and of children. The life of the householder provides the ideal environment for selfless work. Being a parent completely changes you. In a sense, you are also born again. One should not forget that every birth is an opportunity to realise the Highest. And therefore, our birth as a parent should reignite our spirit towards the Ultimate.
ॐ
